» Old People Talk Bollocks

Deaf Gran loves cranberries
My dear old grandmother, being more catholic than the pope, refused to ever utter a curse. On many occasions she has been know to utter "Ye Gods and little fishes" or the clasic "Dime bar" when she smashed her crystal glass collection. Bless her heart, she recently went deaf and I have managed to persuade her to use the expletive "Cranberies" when reffering to hee useless postman. Eg
Postman: Could you sign for this please
Her: "Certainly not, you cranberry"

Always amusing ;)
(Thu 11th Mar 2004, 15:33, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Toasted!
I was workin a gig a couple of years back, doing a bit of roadie works to pay the bills. During the concert the lampy asked me to go and check the setting of one of the dimmer packs. I helpfully make my way through the crowd and up to the dimmer, huridly tap through the menu and find the setting needed, then brush my had against the casing.

Next thing i know im lieing in the middle of the stage, halfway through the main act, with the queen coverband looking concerned and the "Freddy" asking if i was ok. I don't know what scared me more, getting 415 volts from a dodgy dimmer, or waking up, thinking im dead, surronded by a poor cover band.
(Thu 25th Nov 2004, 21:40, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

What is it?
Heard a neighbour shouting this very early one morning.

1: Dont put it in a jonny, it'll sweat
2: If i dont it'll go all crunchy
1: Well wrap it in something or we're both f£$£ed
2: Ok, but it's not really my responibilty
1: If you wanna some money for it, you f"$"ing sort it out!
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 21:13, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

Erm, no!
I do visuals at event - u know when you see crazy shit on big screens. Here's a short selection of the best client / punter quotes:

X: Can I check my email
Me: No, im doing video at the moment
X: Can I use the computer to check me emails tho?
Me: No, im performing....
X: Oh, go on, i've got some good pictures
Me: No, firstly im performing, secondly that's not a computer, it's a DVD player.
X: Oh, can I check my email then?

X: Can you play that footage from Ben Hur with the chariots
Me: Im afraid i don't have that, and i tend not to sample
X: I've got I at home, on DVD
Me: That's nice but I havent and Im in the middle of the set
X: Shall I go and get it?
Me: If you wan't but i won't play it, it wont fit in with this stuff
X: Ok, i'll bring it down for you to use tomoro

This was at a large ONE day event!

X: Can you change the music please
Me: I do the video, go speak to the guy with the records
X: Oh, the DJ
Me: Yep, that's the one
X: Can you play ATB
Me: Im not doing the music!
X: Sorry, I can't hear you, can you turn the music down a bit!

Hmm, bit worring really, cos two of the quotes are from the people who paid me to be there!
(Fri 2nd Jan 2004, 15:55, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

After work
Working late nights in clubs, and often getting paid in cash, over indulging is quite a finacial pit-fall. Not for the beer, but more for the 24hour petrol station on the way back to the studio! One night we thought it was a good idea to buy all the Redbull, all the Redbull light (OMG Why?!??) and all the sandwiches. Oh and to top it all off enough fags, baccy and rizlas to "last us a while" - I still cant comprehend how it's possible to spend £150 in a 24 hour petrol station, on munch, at 3am!
(Sun 12th Jun 2005, 10:44, More)