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» Mugged

Moped Saviour
OK so Amsterdam 15 years back, me and Gaz had been doing what 17yr olds do in Amsterdam, namely wondering around the RLD in a haze.
Two blokes approach and offer to sell us coke, we politely decline and walk away. They start shouting that we have spilt their goods, and follow us up the strasse demanding cash. We stand by a bridge for a while trying to get rid of them and they are getting very shirty. All of a sudden, one of them goes "alright mate, never mind" and walks off. "That was odd" says my mate, "not really" I reply pointing to the policeman on a motorbike behind him.
Later that day we were crossing another bridge and as we get to the apex see the same two fellas, with a dozen mates, sat outside a cafe. Unfortunately they clock us at the same time and stand up pointing and shouting and running our way. Out of nowhere a moped appears and smacks straight into the leader at full pelt, carrying him off 20yds down the road before slamming on and depositing him hard on the road. His mates fell about laughing, forgot all about us and we turned tail and scarpered!

Same trip saw me get mugged at scissorpoint for a pocketful of guilders, get my bag and passport nicked from under my nose, and be late for the ferry, prompting a knuckle biting race in a taxi to the docks where they put the gangplank back on for us to run up.
I don't speak much Dutch, but am reasonably familar with the term "fucking stupid English".
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 15:24, More)

» The Wank Bank

Suburban Raver
I don't get to go clubbing much now that I'm old and have kids, but by crikey I love a bit of chemically enhanced flailing now and again, so it's a bonus when me and the missus get invited to house parties by a group of school Mums.
At one such front room knees up, I was greeted by the sight of a gorgeous blonde writhing around on the 'dancefloor' in tight leather hotpants and tiny top. After a bit of investigation it turned out that she was Russian, off her tits and in the middle of a mid-thirties sexual renaissance. "Please don't fuck her, she's my brother's wife" implored one bloke. I promised to do my best, but as I was there with the wife I was sure it wouldn't be difficult to keep my promise.
"Kristina" (Names changed to protect the innocent) seemed to have different plans and constantly kept hitting on me, outrageously. As I was standing there with one arm around wifey and the other around her best friend, she would try and drag me onto the dance floor "Dance with me, I vant you!" she kept saying, trying to kiss the three of us (Girls definitely not impressed).
Ordinarily I would have spirited her away and banged her stupid but she'd started to annoy me by this time by a) being unreachable due to presence of aforementioned wife and b) wriggling around on top of the DJ's records (didn't bother the DJ, whose eyes were on stalks). It was with great pleasure that I hit her with the immortal line "Sorry Love, I'll have to turn you down. I'll tell you what though, you ARE fucking hot!" to which she answered "I know. I show you!" and tottered back into the middle of the room, did some more writhing and showed me her tits.

Later, I found a pal in the garden wistfully staring into space after having had a quick fumble with her (punching well above his considerable weight), we both agreed that it was a night whose memories would live for ever in our respective banks.

No apologies for length, said another mate who audibly spent the rest of the night doing what every bloke at the party wished they could.
(Fri 24th Aug 2012, 16:05, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Actually quite good prizes...
This year I have mostly won…
288 Cans of Red Stripe (I even got to choose what beer) supposed to be a years supply, lasted 2 months.
1 Crappy digital camera (sold for £90)
1 pretty good Digital Camera worth £400. Haven't decided whether to flog that one yet.
Can't complain!
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 16:41, More)