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» Kids say the shittiest things

Queer confession
Whilst shopping in our local Aldi (in a post-modernist, comedically ironic and cool kind of way of course) my ten your old son wandered back to the trolley and mumbled, "Dad, I love man cheese..." I managed to keep my composure and screech, "You bloody what?" where upon he repeated his shockingly frank confession of being enamoured of 'man-cheese'. Thoughts of future football matches, drinking sessions and, eventually, grandchildren evaporated to be replaced by images of pristine bearded men in tight jeans discussing soft furnishings and butt-plugs. I managed to squeak out a pathetic, "but... you're only ten - how do you know?"

He looked at me with a mixture of incomprehension and contempt and said, "What are you on a bout? I love man cheese? NO! Isle of Man Cheese. Cheese from the Isle of Man you weirdo!"

I think I cried.

NB: They also sell Isle of Man milk and Isle of Man butter. Doubtless popular in places like Brighton.
(Mon 27th May 2013, 20:22, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Sad but all too true
I used to drink with a guy who was nicknamed WAP. He even had it tattooed on his arm. As this had no apparent link with his christian name or surname I asked him, "Why are you called WAP?"
And with an unfeasibly proud grin he said, "It stands for What A Plonker"

What a plonker.
(Fri 19th May 2006, 20:35, More)

» Claims to Fame

Celebrity suicide
Went to London with some mates about 1986. Whilst on a tube train my mate told me the guy opposite was in the TV show 'Howards Way'. I asked the man in question if it was true. He visibly grew in stature, puffed out his chest and said that yes, it was he. "It's a pile of shite!" I proclaimed, and suggested he get a real job. A few weeks later he commited suicide...

Went to the Klubfoot Psychobilly nights at the Clarendon in London. Saw the guy who originally played Mark Fowler in Eastenders. Had a drink and a chat with him before realising what a miserable, sour-faced fecker he was. Told him he should be thankful to have a job in TV rather than having to really work for a living. A few weeks later he committed suicide...

Bin desperately trying to bump into Anthea Turner...

Oh yeah, my brother in law and his mate met Matthew Kelly in the bar of a hotel they were staying in (back in the days when he was on Game For A Laugh) and after a few drinks he invited them up to his room where he proceeded to try to entice them to all get in the bath together. They ran off.
(Fri 25th Feb 2005, 22:24, More)