b3ta.com user KevAkas
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Radio man of big stuff.

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» Useless Information

Facts from My Website!
• Contrary to popular opinion, oven chips are not good for you. Despite the manufacturer's attempts to persuade you that they're practically a health food, the reason oven chips cook in the oven whereas normal chips don't, is that Mr McCain soaks the oven chips in fat before putting them in the flimsy plastic bag. And this is in some way better than you soaking it in fat yourself, at home, among friends. I mean at least I know where my fat came from.
• It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.
• If you take some dried grasshoppers, powder them and roll them into a cigarette, and then smoke that cigarette, you can simulate the effects of not having any marijuana.
• Beer makes an amusing, and effective, substitute for lemonade at tiny children's birthday parties. Watch your child's friends' parents' faces as your child starts becoming aggressive, chanting football slogans and vomiting over the furniture, and its tiny friends get into a vicious fight with Newcastle Brown bottles over whether or not one of them is 'a poof'.
• Custard powder (indeed any fine, dry powder such as coffee whitener or cement) forms a highly inflammable and explosive suspension in air. Holding a jar high in the air and gently tapping some out, while holding a burning lighter underneath, is a great way to amuse your friends at parties. It's also a great way to lose your eyebrows, hair, the paint off your ceiling, and frequently your ceiling.
• Those aren't really Helen Mirren's legs in that banal British Airways advert. And yes, I am concentrating in the area in front of your legs Helen, I'm a girl. (Submitted by Ruth)
• Dropping a laser printer toner cartridge from the top deck of King's Mall Car Park in Hammersmith is a good way to make your mark. In this case, a large circular mark about thirty feet across.
• Irritating market research operatives, religious cultists and other people who approach you in the street can be easily killed by means of a simple home-made flamethrower. This can be constructed by the laybeing in less than an hour using a tin of petrol, a bicycle pump, a candle and a length of garden hose.
• Ethernet cable makes an amusing, and fatal, substitute for bungee rope.
• The word 'yes' in Italian means 'no' in English. This has foxed intrepid travellers for centuries.
• You can quickly drive human beings to homicide and madness by the simple expedient of sitting behind them on a train popping bubble wrap continuously for forty minutes.
• Safeway Savers Sausage contain up to 320% of the European Community's recommended daily allowance of lard.
• Breakfast cereals only contain vitamins and iron because the manufacturers literally pour great vats of nutrient into the packets before shipping them. It's all a bit futile really; you might as well pour a tub of multi-vitamins over your chips and say 'Look everyone! Chips are good for you, no they are, they're full of vitamins!".
• Childrens' Wendy houses are not practical dwelling places for a family of fully-grown adults. Seriously. Give it a go.
• Most things that look like wood nowadays simply aren't. It's quite literally a thin veneer.
• Internet router programming has been shown to cause vomiting and premature death in laboratory children.
• The word 'frisnit' is not in the standard UNIX spell-checking dictionary. Try it if you don't believe me.
• You can get a lot of shit out of a Pekinese.
• The Spring/Summer 2003 Index Catalogue is full of overpriced tat.
• The standard playing speed of the average cassette tape is 1 and 7/8ths of an inch per second.
• A beermat can be a surprisingly effective weapon, if you're drunk enough. The key thing here is to hone it to a killing edge, then use it to slice the victim's cheek open.
• You can hurt yourself if you run with chainsaws.
• Salman Rushdie devised the slogan "Naughty But Nice". (If only he'd stopped at that.)
• Mike Nesmith out of the Monkees' mum invented Sno-Paque (not Tippex - sorry Mike Nesmith's mum). No, honestly!
• Salman Rushdie invented the slogan 'Go to work on an egg'.
• You can remain alive for up to 13 seconds after having your head cut off.
• Wee Jimmy Krankie off of TV's The Krankies is not in fact a small boy. It's a WOMAN dressed up.
• Toffee Crisp chocolate bars contain 2.1g of protein. Like, if you're stuffing your face with a great lardy Toffee Crisp you give a flying shite about how much protein it contains.
• Remember children can choke on peanuts. (Warning on the back of a packet of peanuts)
• Regional television tends towards the slightly amateurish and embarrassing.
• You can hurt yourself if you run with scissors.
• Motor racing's Murray Walker invented the phrase "A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play". Apparently.
• Betamax is better than VHS.
• The hexadecimal machine language for the 80x86 assembler instruction TEST Byte Ptr [BX+01B3],02 is as follows:
• F687B30102
• Gerbils are illegal in California.
• Every single human on the planet has more than 6.0 * 10^19 (60 octillion or 60,000,000,000,000,000,000) hemoglobin molecules. Each of those is made up of 574 amino acids, each of which are connected in a special order.
• In 1983, a Japanese artist, Tadahiko Ogawa, made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of ordinary toast.
• Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner songs on the runways to scare birds away.
• The spray WD-40 got its name because there were forty attempts needed before the creation of the “water displacing” substance.
• In only eight minutes, the Space Shuttle can accelerate to a speed of 27,000 kilometres per hour.
• Coconuts kill more people in the world than sharks do. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
• 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 equals 12,345,678,987,654,321.
• In the game Monopoly, the most money you can lose in one travel around the board (normal game rules, going to jail only once) is $26,040. The most money you can lose in one turn is $5070.
• A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.
• According to British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offence. Offenders could be hanged for trying.
• Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
• In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be taken away by law if the driver is deemed either unbathed or poorly dressed.
• In England during Queen Victoria's reign, it was illegal to be a homosexual but not a lesbian. The reason being that when the Queen was approving the law she wouldn't believe that women would do that.
• In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays.
• In the UK, there is no act of parliament making it illegal to commit murder. Murder is only illegal due to legal precedent.
• It is against the law to stare at the mayor of Paris.
• It is illegal in Sweden to train a seal to balance a ball on its nose.
• It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.
• 50,000 of the cells in your body will die and be replaced with new cells all while you have been reading this sentence.
• A person at rest generates as much heat as a 100-watt light bulb.
• A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.
• A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure.
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
• Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
• By the age of 60, the human eye has absorbed the same amount of light produced in an atomic blast.
• During menstruation, the sensitivity of a woman's middle finger is reduced.
• Human beings cannot taste or smell a substance that is not soluble.
• If someone punches you in the nose hard, it will hurt.
• If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb.
• If you lock you knees while standing long enough, you will pass out.
• In Michagan, USA, a man legally owns his wife's hair.
• Melting an ice cube in your mouth burns 3 calories.
• Mr. Spock's blood is green.
• On average, a man will only speak 2000 words over the course of a day while a woman will speak 7000 words in the same amount of time.
• Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
• Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
• Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
• Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.
• The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
• The city morgue in the Bronx, New York gets so busy sometimes that the next of kin have to take a number for body identification.
• The study of nose picking is called rhinotillexomania.
• X goes first in Tic Tac Toe.
• There are 22 stars surrounding the mountain on the Paramount Pictures logo.
• If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
• One legend claims stealing someone's shadow (by measuring it against a wall and driving a nail through its head) can turn the victim into a vampire.
• One year contains 31,557,600 seconds.
• Scientists in Australia's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a microwave in the building.
• In Sweden, while prostitution is legal, it is illegal for anyone to use the services of a prostitute.In Sweden, while prostitution is legal, it is illegal for anyone to use the services of a prostitute.
• It is illegal to frown at cows in Bladworth, Saskatchewan.
• It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland.
• Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.
• The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
• 43% of all statistics are completely useless.
• 4/3rds of all people don't understand fractions.
• A woman invented the dishwasher.
• In 1936, American track star Jesse Owens beat a race horse over a 100-yard course. The horse was given a head start.
• The only bone not broken so far during any ski accident is one located in the inner ear.
• Three consective strikes in bowling is called a turkey.
• A Duracell MN1203 battery has 4.5v in it.

All from my website which is at www.crazyadproductions.co.uk/pages/social/just_stupid.htm
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 14:49, More)

» School Trips

Lost at Sea! - Nearly
We went out on a school trip to the beach on Thursday, 17 July, 2003. That was one hell of a trip! I was there as an adult supervising, along with one other adult and two teaching staff. We'd planned for a BBQ and to play some games on the beach. We got there and started setting up and the kids asked to go down and play on the beach. We let them go down and told them not to go into the sea. Kids being kids - they went down to the sea and started pissing about. It was 10 minutes or so when we had sorted all the stuff out that a student came running back saying some of the kids had been pulled out to sea. We thought they were joking and wondered down - little did we know all hell was breaking loose!

The sea had turned, it suddenly became very violent, the clouds darkened and it became freezing - just like what would happen in a movie! - We started trying to get out to the kids but they were too far out, past the sand bar and I grabbed the mobile and dialled 999. Within 20 minutes, we had any amounts of ambulances, 4x4 coastguard jeeps, a helicopter and some lifeboats on the way! (I felt quite pleased)

Bla-Bla everyone was rescued, we even made the news (and the international headlines later that night)

Here's the proof;
* - news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/3074759.stm

* - https://mcanet.mcga.gov.uk/public/news/release.asp?mcga_news_id=2279&month=7&year=2003

As you can guess, the Mirror took things to the extreme! www.mirror.co.uk/news/allnews/page.cfm?objectid=13190390&method=full&siteid=50143
(Sun 10th Dec 2006, 9:52, More)