» Mobile phone disasters

The one and only time that a mobile phone company were totally, 100% cool and nice
So: it was 2003 and England were in the Rugby World Cup final.

Me and the missus piled down to the Sports Cafe on Broad Street in Brum and watched the match - aided not inconsiderably by copious quantities of our favourite tipples.

The match was a blinder - and then Johnny W slotted that magical drop goal and we won. The place went totally and utterly berserk: we had won - and also stuffed the Aussies!

After about an hour it all calmed down and we found our coats and started to stagger out into the daylight. I felt in my pockets for me mobile and couldn't find it anywhere. A quick scout around the floor revealed it lying in several dozen pieces.

I was genuinely blase about this; we'd just won the world cup for fucks sake - what in the name of Allah's arse gravy did a mobile phone matter next to that?

Anyway - I called Orange on the missus phone and spent about half an hour reliving the highlights of the match with the poor call centre monkey on the other end, who had (surprisingly) been allowed to watch the match.

Then after this slurred merry mayhem I came to the point - "oh yeah - me phone got smashed... - must've fallen out me pocket"

"Really? Can't fuckin' 'ave that when England've just won... - hang on [clickecty clickety] - you'll 'ave a new one in the post in about 2 days!" - and all this with no insurance or anything!

Nice one Orange: the one and only time I have been impressed with a mobile phone company!
(Mon 3rd Aug 2009, 20:27, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Psycho teacher from hell!
We had this history teacher that got in a car crash and was off ill for AGES - we all thought he was never gonna come back...

And then one lesson, he was there. However, in the time he was off, we had in the time honoured tradition ran abso-feckin'-lutley riot and given 2 or 3 supply teachers a nervous breakdown.

So: the lesson begins and chaos erupts... Now all of the soft supply teachers must've rotted our brains, because this guy REALLY knew how to take control....

He let the madness continue for long enough until he could identify the ring leader with total certainty. Then he called this scrote out to the front and told him to stand with his head against the blackboard.... at this point the ring leader is still cocky and smirking at the class, The teacher then tells the kid to turn and face the blackboard - and then (and this is the part I still cannot believe) he grabs the kids hair WITHOUT LOOKING AROUND and slams his face into the blackboard with furious vengeance.

Cue every single kid going bolt upright and then as one putting their heads down and concentrating on the lesson.

Masterful, absolutely masterful: he regained control in 5 minutes flat and twatted an absolute wanker of a kid at the same time. I suspect today he'd be charged with a criminal offence instead. Shame!
(Sun 13th Nov 2005, 13:33, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Crashing at yer Aunt's house and not telling her
Now then - when I were a mere 18 year old stripling we moved house to a small village, about 5 miles down the road from the town where I went to school. Now the journey was easily do-able by bus in the middle of the day, so still attending the same school was not a problem.

However: this was the era of the 18th birthday party: it seemed like 2 out of every 3 weekends would be someones 18th birthday party, and I was rapidly acquiring my life-long love of getting shitfaced. The problem always was that none of MY relatves would stay up until 3 in the morning to give pissed up 18 year olds a lift home - can't think why - and our new house was just too far away to cadge a lift back too off've someone else's folks.

The solution was brilliant in it's simplicity; I would just cadge a lift back to the housing estate where my Aunt lived, which as smack in the school's catchment area: in fact we had lived there ourselves until we moved out and I still had a key and in fact an entire room was ready for me to crash in at any time. It being in the middle of the school's area there was ALWAYS someone's elders I could scab a ride back with.

So that's what I did on the fine evening where this story unfolds: when out, got hideously rancid with alcohol and got a lift back to the Aunt's.

The one small flaw in my plan was that I had forgot to tell them I was crashing there that night.... - so picture the scene: me, too pissed to know what direction to fart in: I must've took half an hour to open the fecking door, with all the usual muttered "c'mon ya little bastid"... - then I finally owrk out the secrets of Mr Yale and fall into the house. Then I got the obligatory 30 second puke warning and staggered to the downstairs bog and proceeded to empty my stomach contents out with much piteous howling and wailing.

At which point the door to the bog is flung open by my aunt and uncle, stark bollock naked, holding a carving knife, saying something like "c'mon then ya puking burglaring wanker!!" And they were not a pretty sight: we looked each other up and down and made the silent pact that This Would Never Be Spoken Of Again and they left...

I then proceeded to laugh like a drain for about 3 days!
(Tue 2nd Jun 2009, 20:27, More)

» Helicopter Parents

This reminds me of a good one!
This one was absolutely hysterical, and more to the point predicted with 100% accuracy by me...

Anyway - wibbly lines- wibbly lines -

On the day I left home to go to University - and I mean the VERY day - my Mum packed up and emigrated to Spain, with a "my work here is done" kinda feeling. She'd worked her arse off as a single mum and got me to Uni, so I thought "fair enough: Uni is all about learning to live by yourself after all"

So it was a buttock-clenchingly cool surprise when in my second year she told me that she had bought up a townhouse in the port area (of Denia - near Alicante: nice little place) and whilst she was trying to flog it my and my mates were welcome to stay in it. So: never one to let a freebie get away from me, I promptly asked the usual suspects and one mate said "sounds like a larf: I'm in!"

Now: a bit of background: my mate (who shall be called Barney, for that is his name) had kinda uptight, middle class parents: to the extent than when they visited we had to spend about a week fumigating the flat and removing the residue of 4 19 year old students partying like their lives depended on it. And under no circumstances whatsoever would the dreaded subject of SEX ever be mentioned between parent and child. And I mean NEVER - not even if the fate of nations depended on it. It just Would Never Happen.

So: we're at the airport leaving the UK and I stop by the shops and load up on a big box o' condoms and sidle up to Barney with malice aforethought.

"I told you about the Condom Check didn't I?"

"Wha'?"

""Yup: mum's gonna demand to see that you have some condoms with you so you'll be safe if you are also lucky..."

Barney's face did that icebergs falling into the sea thing that happens in Greenland in the spring: he just could not compute the thought of "mother" "condoms" and "talking about" - why - that would mean his parents knew he had SEX!!! But my mum - well, despite our occasional massive arguments she'd always been cool on this issue: she was open and honest on the subject of sex to the point at which now at 19 it was genuinely a case of: "got your condoms son?"

"yes mum!"

"good lad! have a great holiday!"

So: we land in Alicante: there she is to pick us up and she says it exactly as I predicted and perhaps even a little louder than was strictly necessary and she gets a hearty 'yes mum!" from me and a strangled, horrified choked sound from Barney - and he just died: he shriveled up into a ball and was a mumbling incoherent mess for 3 hours. Poor lamb!
(Tue 15th Sep 2009, 21:26, More)

» Advice from Old People

my own advice to younger relatives and / or mates...
Since I am coming up to the dreaded 40th this year, I suppose I qualify as old to some of these young whippersnappers... - and so I have formulated some advice of my own that I like to give out to 'em...

Never, ever, EVER do a drug involving a needle. Full stop.

If you are doing a new drug, then make damn sure there is a "spirit guide" there with you: someone who has taken the drug before and can guide you through the many wonderful stages of intoxication, and can keep you supplied with water or whatever it is that you need to stay safe.

If you are going out on a bender, make sure there is a mate there with you to get you home - and by the same token, make damn sure your mates get home OK when it is THEIR turn to get out of their tree.

Never do any sex - EVER - that hurts, either physically or emotionally. Apart from that - go for it!

Unless you literally intend to marry the person you are currently shagging then ALWAYS use a condom.

And that's it: kept me safe, sane and disease free through five very debauched years at Uni!
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 18:21, More)