b3ta.com user mxw8
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» Putting the Fun in Funeral

A old friend died a few years back; Tim was a bugger for the bottle (and other substances). He was a tight-arse and never used the heating in his ground floor flat (just used to pile on extra clothing). One Christmas his idiot father gave him a bottle of PICKLING rum, you know the 'don't EVER drink this' type. Well, Tim drank it and was getting a bit hot so removed several layers of clothing before passing out on his living room table (no pun intended). Tim died of exposure in his own flat.
After his funeral his ashes were passed to his friends and we planted a new tree on a secluded spot we all gather at once a year. Needless to say the tree was dead within the year after all the friends poured beer/ whiskey/ piss/ cigarettes/ etc on it.
So now, once a year, people still pour stuff on "Tim's Twig" and reminisce about the silly bugger.
(Wed 17th May 2006, 8:41, More)

» Intense Friendships

The truth will out.....
I had a group of friends of school that were kinda close (we were all about 15 at the time of this story); the usual shennanigans- drinking beer, bunking off classes, smoking ciggies, the other lads always going on about who they'd got to shag. Each shag story becoming filthier and more perverted.

Anyway, I started seeing this 17 year old at the sixth form. My mates were trying to warn me that she was a bit of a slapper and 'too easy' (well, that worked into my plans quite nicely). One lunchtime we copped off to the bogs on the local playing feilds and I proceeded to give her a good seeing too..... for the whole of the five minutes it took for me to lose my cherry anyways. I got back before the end of lunchbreak and all my friends had worked out what I'd been up too.

"What was it like?" they asked.
"You know, it felt like it probably normally feels...."
"Yeah.... What is THAT like?"
All my mates were big virgins and I'd thought I was the only one in the group.

I don't really see anyone from those days anymore.... I'm guessing a couple of them are probably still virgins, and the others are probably the parents of at least two kids each.
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 19:06, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

I once (about a year or so ago) made myself look like a complete twunt in front of.... Brian (bloody) Blessed.
There I was ambling down the street minding my own business when I spotted what I thought was a tramp walking the opposite way. A big tramp with a badly knitted cardie and about 5 tescos bags. I thought to myself 'That trampy old guy looks like the legend that is Brian Blessed'. So I cunningly (and quickly) hatched a plan to see if I could get my photo taken and fool all my mates into thinking I had met Mr. Blessed.

Right. My opening line: "You look JUST like Brian Blessed".
To which I received the booming reply: " I AM Brian Blessed".
"Well done" was all I could come up with and walked away deeply shocked. I tried to hide my embarrasment by ducking into a convieniently placed newsagents only to be met with the local papers HUGE headline 'Brian Blessed plays local theatre'. I never got the chance to find out if he was a let-down or not, I kind of did that bit for him!
(Fri 26th May 2006, 20:56, More)

» Useless Information

Bar code
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
(Tue 22nd Mar 2005, 18:43, More)

» Irrational Fears

As a perfectly rational and fully funcionable adult I still can't walk over three of those rectangle manhole covers in a row. I'll do anything to avoid it including (but not limited to): jumping, long steps, making my missus almost fall over with a sudden sideways step etc. Whereas I actively seek the two in a row. It's an unconsious thing I didn't even notice I did it until my other half pointed it out.
(Thu 29th Jan 2004, 11:37, More)
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