» Job Interview Disasters

I went for this job right and the geezer asks me
what is my biggest weakness?

I said, "It's probably my honesty."

He said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

I said, "I don't give a fuck what you think mate."
.
(Fri 22nd Nov 2013, 22:42, More)

» My Saviour

Three years ago on a cold evening in March a baby starling
fell out of its nest in next door's roof onto the path. I tried to walk past but had to turn back and pick him up. He didn't appear hurt, apart from being pissed off with the sibling who pushed him out, so I took him indoors.
He was christened "Sidney" and given dog food off the back of a teaspoon handle and water from an eyedropper. I kept him in a cardboard box with scrunched up paper inside. He was quiet when the lid was closed but would respond energetically when he heard me start to open the lid.
There was no-one at home daytimes so I took him to work with me because he needed feeding at least every hour during daylight.
One morning after about two weeks I heard frantic rustling as I went to his box. When I opened it he tried to fly out so I took the box outside on the lawn and let him take off. His parents were sat on our fence and he went straight to them and started begging. They looked surprised but they seem to accept him and they flew off together.
His siblings didn't fledge until three days later so chicken in jelly appears to be more nutritious than grubs and leftovers.
One of the most rewarding things I have done; people asked me why I bothered, there's millions of starlings? But it's like I said to Sid, "A mate's a mate, right?"
(Fri 10th May 2013, 12:19, More)

» Money-saving tips

When feeding ducks in the park,
soak your bread in Rohypnol. That way you get a free dinner, and you can do what you like to it before you pluck it.
(Thu 10th Nov 2011, 20:01, More)

» Drunk Shopping

Not drunk but I saw a guy using an infrared thermometer with a laser beam on it
and just had to have one. About thirteen quid off of Amazon, it's a great toy if you spend a lot of time alone.
My back wall is currently 20.5C, my ceiling is 21C, freezer -18C and my woodburner last night was 382C.
Every boy should have one.
(Tue 15th Apr 2014, 18:03, More)

» Black sheep of the family II

Cotton Picking Story.
Not about sheep but agricultural non the less.
My ancestors were split in the early 19th century when around half of them emigrated to the USA. G.g.g.g. grandfather Ruben and G.g.g.g grandmother Millicent struck it lucky and ended up running a plantation in Louisiana. Family diaries detailed occurrences familiar to those who have watched 12 Years A Slave. If anything the film underplayed the cruelty.
Probably the most horrendous episode logged was when, around the start of the abolition process, slaves started to disappear on a regular basis. Escape was virtualy impossible. Where would they escape to? The neighbouring plantation?
Over a period of 12 months around fifty slaves, ten percent of the workforce, went missing without trace. It was only by luck that my relatives eventually discovered what had been happening.
They were on one of their regular family picnics in one of the hundreds of charming copses on the estate. There was shade from the hot sun and a beautiful soft grassy bank by a sparkling, soda water brook. Couldn't have been more peaceful.
During the idyll G.g.g.g.grandfather had to answer a call of nature and went among the trees to a respectable distance from his family. What he came upon shocked him to the core. In a clearing, piled high upon high, were the corpses of slaves. They had all been brutally murdered then just thrown on top of each other and left to rot.
My Gx4 grandfather was beside himself and rushed back to break the news to his wife. On sight she could see there was something seriously wrong. "You look terrible Ruben, what on earth has happened?
He replied, "I think I've just stumbled upon the blacks' heap of the farm, Milly"
(Wed 26th Feb 2014, 21:09, More)