» Dad stories

I'm a Dad
I met Mrs Twinklefuckingtoes 10 years ago as a twenty something with my whole life infront of me. Aware that she already had a child from a previous relationship aged 5, I was reluctant to become his stand in dad and eventually end up in one of those "your not my real dad" situations that obviously goes with the territory as the years progress.

Anyway 10 years on and he has never said that I'm not his real dad in spite or otherwise. What he has done though, is develop exactly the same sense of humour as me, talks the way I talk, respects people the way I taught him to repect people, respects and protects his mum, is always polite and accepting of other people.

Every year I get a farther days card and not because he doesn't know who his sperm donor is or because I tried to model myself as his father because probably the opposite is true. It truely is because he see's me as his dad. This makes me feel incredibly special, so I say to those of you out there, if you avoid an amazing woman for the price of some family baggage you are missing out on something pretty special.
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 14:57, More)

» Pointless Experiments

4 Years lurking ...and this is what i have to show for it....
I must have been all of about 15 years old and in my final year at school when my older brother of 21 joined the Territorial Army. Now the great thing about joining the TA apart from pretending to be a soldier at the weekend is you get to travel the world and visit all manner of places including Germany.

The great thing about Germany is that they are pretty lax on weapons for self protection including Stun Guns so when my brother went over there he managed to smuggle back through customs a stun gun (for the protection of his then girlfriend against dirty rapists).

We did the obligatory testing it on each other thing which was …ummm fun however, I thought that there was much more fun to be had that didn’t involve me being pinned down and zapped.
Being the annoying far superior in intellect and scientifically minded little brother that I am decided that there was much more fun that could be had with this muscle spazim’ing device.

I decided to take the dog for his morning crap and equipped myself with the stun gun for protection against the chav scum who were on their way to the local school. (I went to a school outside the estate because they were thick as turd).

On my way past the school I noticed that it had a metal chain fence about 10 foot high, now on that fence were some birds tweeting their merry little heart out (scientific mind at work) metal… electricity… So I pull out the stun gun and applied to the chain link fence…. Birds fall off the fence and flap about on the floor uncontrollably about 20 metres away.

I’m thinking the stun gun is a great opportunity to scare off the kids at school that gave me a hard time for living on the chav scum estate. Do I decide to flash around the stun gun to the chav scum and scare them and run the risk of getting “grassed on” or should I be a little more subtle. I applied my new found knowledge that birds fall off metal fences when electricity is applied to a new environment, the queue to get in to the class room before the French lesson.

The double hard bar steward kids used to sit on the radiators before heading into the lesson during the winter months (metal radiators)….

ZAAAAAAPPPPPPPP…. 15 or so people get the bird on a wire treatment with 50,000 AC volts.


Lenght about 20 metres :O)
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 19:42, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

Kays catalogue
Dad forgot his keys and stumbled in on me flicking through the maternity bra section of Kays catalogue. I later came home after school to find a porn mag nestled under my pillow with a yellow sticky note attached saying "enjoy, Dad."
(Fri 18th Feb 2011, 13:54, More)

» Professions I Hate

Shit Teachers not the good ones
I went to parents evening yesterday as little defective was complaining that his ICT teacher was an absolute bitch with an attitude problem of epic proportions and was singling him out for ritual humiliation infront of his friends.

I really didn't believe him until I met her yesterday, she started to rain down a torrent of abuse on the little defective saying that he was unmotivated and disruptive. She was damn near shouting at him and trying to embarrass him infront of me and mrs defective, so I cut her down mid rant, told her to be quiet because I was completely aware of the situation and had offered him guidance on how to deal with difficult characters.

I then went on to ask her how she was going to change the situation for the better, and how she was going to take responsibility for rectifying the situation. The head of year had to intervene as my questions became more difficult to answer.

I'm now a hero in the boys eyes, and this teacher will never pick on him or single him out in future. I have now effected a change for him to a new class with an absolute babe of a teacher. Double qudos for verbally abusing a shit head teacher and moving him to a class where the teacher is an abolute babe.
(Thu 27th May 2010, 16:43, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Twitter
Full of pretentious wankers who think that I give a flying fook about the crap they're spouting
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 15:47, More)