» I hurt my rude bits

Frying Pan Arse...
Not me, but Nigel - a young scout attending his first 2 week camp away from home. Whilst cooking breakfast, one of the scouts caught the frying pan alight and 'lobbed' (technical scouting term) the pan into the grass. The fire went out quickly, so along comes nigel and thinks as the grass is still wet with the mornings dew, I'll sit on the pan to stay dry. Que much screaming from injury known as chip pan arse syndrome....

He later managed to trip over and land face/mouth first onto a wooden tent peg. The first words to pass his bloody, swollen lips were 'oosan noosan doosan susan' - or at least thats what it sounded like, of which he was constantly reminded over the next 5 years!

Poor old nige, hello if your reading!
(Wed 19th Jul 2006, 16:24, More)

» Get Rich Quick

I made 600,000 in 1 year..
I once got involved in a search for a missing girl in Portugal..

I led them all up the garden path, got accused as the main suspect, and the british press 'tore me a new one' But hey, I won in court as I am innocent!?

Who said you can't get the money and the girl??

R.M
(Fri 1st Aug 2008, 17:59, More)

» Get Rich Quick

I make thousands every day...
No, really! It is so simple, you only need to follow the 2 simple steps which will take you 10 minutes, and then you can just sit back and watch the money come rolling in!

Just call 0901 203 402 and listen to the instructions..




calls cost £10 per min and last 30 mins..
(Fri 1st Aug 2008, 18:01, More)

» Guilty Secrets

I Saw Him...
Gerry McCann, in the bedroom with the lead pipe. I haven't told anyone apart from the Portuguese media




allegedly
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 23:54, More)

» Nightclubs

'That Dave' and Huey on the dancefloor....
Back when I was a teenager (half my age now, sob...), me and my rabble of mates used to frequent many a Newquay nightclub on a Thurs, Fri and Saturday night. Saturday night was Berties (if anyone knows it) night,and this night was just like all of the others, mild drug smoking, copious alcohol consumption and general rape/ pillage...

Me and my best mate 'That Dave' ('That' was the imposed christian name applied by my mum,to those no good friends me and my sister had that obviously lead us astray) were on the dancefloor - giving it large and trying to woo the ladies/round up cattle - delete as appropriate.Dave had decided to down his beer in a rush to get to the dancefloor, however this was a bad mistake and it was soon time to see it again. Being a true gent, he did manage to put his hand over his mouth, which unfortunately just managed to direct the projectile vomit at calf level, through 180 degrees. He then managed to pretend as if nothing had happened, leaving several girls with wet calves wondering what the fuck had just happened, and what was on their legs... One such Doris soon realised what she had been covered with, and promptly slapped me round the chops..much to Daves amusement! This story has of course been told many times since, and I would have loved to seen the look on some of the girls faces, wondering how they managed to get carrot in their shoes...

Guess you just had to be there, luckily I was....
(Tue 14th Apr 2009, 22:19, More)