» Fancy Dress

A chair
One Hallowe'en found me moving out of an apartment. After doing our best to cart all the unwanted stuff to the local shelter, we had only an armchair left. But we were running out of time, friends were wanting to head out to the club - and I hadn't given a thought to a costume.

So I tore the stuffing out of the chair back, cut a neck-hole in the top of the back, broke the arms loose... and wore it.

It was heavy as f*ck. But there were bonuses - I got free entry to the club, free drinks from the barstaff and random strangers, centre of attention all night, and a nice young lady decided to sit on my lap.

And for once I didn't feel self-conscious about being a crap dancer. Not many boogying chairs around to be compared to.
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 14:04, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

Join a cult and get paid
Around Northern Thailand there's an amazing collection of christian missionary groups. Christianity has never really taken hold in Thailand, most people aren't interested, but they've had a lot of success with socially disadvantaged hilltribe groups.

I can only assume that describing your activity as "bringing the word of god to backward savages in the remote jungles of Asia" is a sure-fire fundraiser in the west. It turns out that to get the most converts for your buck, the most effective way is simply to pay them to come to church. (Supposedly it represents compensation for the loss in wages from taking a day out from the fields.) Local labour wages are under 5 USD per day. I'm not quite sure what the justification is for paying children to attend, since they wouldn't be working. What is very clear is that school children are targetted as easy converts.

Or perhaps I should say easy prey. Thing is, underage prostitution has been chased out of Bangkok, but it's easy to live away from watchful eyes up in the mountains around Chiang Mai. There aren't many jobs for Westerners up there; but missionary "allowances" pay more than any local salary.

So next time the plate is being passed around in your local church, give a few dollars to support Western paedophiles in Thailand. Thanks.
(Sat 28th Jan 2006, 7:27, More)

» Fancy Dress

Come as your favourite emotion
I actually held a party inspired by the joke that several posters have already mentioned:
"I'm 'fucking dis custard' and my mate here has 'cum in dis pear'."

One friend wore masses of cotton wool around her shoulders. She had her 'head in the clouds'. Another wore a giant cylinder with metallic ends - she was 'enthused' (in-fuse-d - as in electrical fuses - imagine a Devon accent...) Being the host, I was too busy preparing in advance, so I copped out. I strung a plastic glow-in-the-dark crescent between my legs, and told people I was 'over the moon'.
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 13:52, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Thai names
I live in Thailand, so this is going to be a long one. You might have heard of names like Tittiporn. I'm afraid it's true. Other common, everyday names (I've met people with all these names) include Suleeporn, Supaporn, Pornanong, Pornchai, Porntip...

But those are real names, which are reserved for formal use. Usually people use their nicknames, which are given by the parents. For example, Pong, Poo, Dik, Nit, Pee, Gay...

In recent years parents have started to use English in their children's names. So popular nicknames now include, A (as in, "the first letter of the English alphabet"), B (as in, the second letter of the...), C, D...

Occasionally the mistake is a bit more obscure. For example, the mother who wanted to give her son a better start in life with a name that suggested nobility... like Prince, or Earl... sadly the cheap dictionary used only had the word "Title". Now that would make form-filling a lifetime nightmare...
(Sun 29th Aug 2004, 8:26, More)

» Panic Buying

Oi! Rushy!
"So i got him a bottle of vodka. Which i drank myself. He got the empty bottle though. Its the thought that counts."

No. It's the spirit that counts.
(Mon 26th Dec 2005, 9:06, More)