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you can email me: al at akerr.com

Recent front page messages:


(Sun 23rd Jan 2005, 21:36, More)

Extreme weather warning?

(Tue 18th Jan 2005, 23:58, More)

chaplain badger plays geeetar...

(Mon 20th Dec 2004, 17:06, More)

they took away his pipes...

...so he made his own
(Tue 7th Dec 2004, 12:13, More)

gene splice 101

not sure about those ears though...
(Thu 25th Nov 2004, 0:08, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Sacked

One flew over the magic roundabout
I used to work for a Big Petroleum company in Hemel Hempstead, in a now-demolished tower overlooking Hemel's infamous 'funny roundabout'. I was a computer operator on shift work, and the nights were often spent in the print room with massive xerox printers and lots and lots of paper and cardboard. I began a programme of construction with my fellow workers and for a while the print room was brought to life with all manner of cardboard delights. I remember a double-barrelled shotgun hanging above the desk, next to a mounted moose's head. It didn't last. I was called up to the managers's office, who grilled me about a book he had found in the print room. This hand-bound volume, named the Xeronomicon, was the print room's 'blog' of the day, illustrated with some of the greatest art and wit ever committed to waste paper. I was escorted off the premises by a security guard. I think my fondest memory was when the 3 metre wingspan glider made its dawn flight from the 20th floor, across Hemel's mystical landscaspe.
(Mon 27th Feb 2006, 10:45, More)

» Claims to Fame

brian ferry came to my shitty flat
I helped this artist called Mat Collishaw design a mosaic for a show in Hackney and while it was being built I made a short timelapse film of it. On the opening night of the show everyone popped back to mine to watch it and Brian Ferry came too. I was chuffed for weeks, so was my friend as he touched her up a bit (allegedly).

Also, the last words ever spoken to me by Tracy Emin were: '...And you can fuck off as well.' Needless to say I'm very proud of this and regard it as a one-off aural artwork given to me for free.
(Fri 25th Feb 2005, 18:18, More)

» Urban Legends

I have had several people believe
that the little ridges beneath the nose that join to the top lip are known as the 'gilbert'. I can't remember how it started.
(Wed 11th Jan 2006, 20:36, More)

» Near Death Experiences

back in 1984
I was living in Cheshire in a place called Peckforton Castle. A bunch of us had just been to the supermarket and we were bombing back along the country lanes as you do when the driver, a guy called Molly, lost control going around a bend. The car swerved one way, then the other, all in that aldrenaline-pumped slo-mo that you get. Then it flipped and I remember thinking 'woooo' as I saw from the window first the sky then the road over and over. The car landed upright. Molly and I were unhurt, until I put my hand on some broken glass on the seat, lots of blood. The other two (passenger side, front and rear) both had head injuries on the right side of their heads, which was odd. We also found a ruptured can of butane in the wreckage of the car, so we kind of felt lucky.
(Fri 26th Nov 2004, 1:29, More)