b3ta.com user hplasm
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» Ignoring Instructions

Listerene type madness
More of a 'didn't bother reading the instructions' really...

Wandering about the hellhole that was/is the stretford Arndale with a mate after a night of beers and curry; mate keeps going on about my curry breath, so in a fit of hygene, a bottle of bright RED mouthwash (Old Skool Listerene or similar) is bought, opened and a large swig taken. Seconds later, my entire mouth is dissolving into a warm slimy gobful of sloughed skin as the lining of my palette, tongue and gums is eaten away as a single layer.
Cue much hilarity from mate as I run around desperately looking for something to
a) spit into
and /or
b) drink.

I finally found a bin, and gobbed what looked like a discarded python skin in raspberry juice into it.

Looking on the box it said:

'use 1 teaspoonful in a glass of water and use to rinse mouth...'

Got rid of the garlicky breath, though..
(Wed 10th May 2006, 16:42, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

Not so much a celeb..
but some VIP's wifey. I had got a prize for metalwork or some such at Skool, and so was invited to Prize Evening bash. Now, Skool had decided to make a big deal of it, with the Mayor and several civic types invited. I was in the row behind them.
We had to stand to sing The Skool Song (posh, eh), and as everyone stood up, I dropped the songsheet. I bent down to pick it up, the poshess in front stood up- *BAM*
I nutted her right on the top of the head and shouted "OH JESUS FUCK!!"
She collapsed, and much hilarity ensued...
(sorry for bigness.. :) )
(Fri 16th Apr 2004, 2:36, More)

» Insults

oh-just remembered this gem
You haven't got the ovaries, Bitch.
(running away- mad cow.) 8O
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 0:28, More)

» Insults

Where to start..?
Asshat is good, but overused.
Called a mate a Flid- got back Bifid. Harsh.
Driving always involves a Bunch of Cunts, all around. Although after being tailgated for about 20 miles down the M62/60 I just stopped myself blurting out as soon as I got into work- "I've just had the biggest prick in the world stuck right up my arse all the way here..." luckily I listened to it in my mind's outbox first.
Dismal Teat. Nice.
Scrotal-faced Git.
I may go on, but there are more to catch up on first!
(Mon 8th Oct 2007, 2:39, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Walked into work one day...
..and there were more long faces than an aardvark convention. Even the boss, who was so chirpy you wanted to strangle him, looked glum.
"Bloody hell- who's died!" I quip, to lighten the mood...
"Well, you know C--- ..." - a quiet girl in the office.
Apparently she dropped dead the night before...

(Fri 23rd Apr 2004, 11:45, More)
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