» Take my Mother-in-law...

Vinegar tits
Thought it was a good idea to go on holiday to the South of France with the in-laws, reasoning that they're the cheapest babysitting service there is.

The MiL (no MILF at all - imagine the curmudgeonly elephant Lisa Riley in 25 years time) spent almost the entire fortnight parading around with her tats on display to demonstrate how liberal she is. First time she took her top off I felt the shiver of someone walking over my grave. By the end of the second week (and a couple of full monty displays later) I needed therapy.
(Thu 8th Sep 2005, 13:27, More)

» Crappy Prizes

College Raffle
Back in the drunken mists of time, we ended up organising and handling the prizes for a charity raffle at college. The proceeds were to go to a local ITU, who had helped a girl from the college.

As luck would have it most of the prizes were bottles of booze, generously donated by kindhearted folk. Obviously we felt that alcohol would be wasted on the charitable people buying raffle tickets and consumed the lot between four of us.

20 minutes before the raffle, and struck by a brilliant idea, we strolled nonchalantly into the college library, stole a handful of books, removed the security stickers and substituted them into the raffle in place of the booze.

Cue much bemusement as ticket holders received dog-eared copies of "Mathematical Methods in Economics" textbooks and the like, clearly thieved from the college library. Drunkenly we denied all knowledge of any other prizes to the guy whose idea it had been to set up the raffle.

Wracked with guilt the following morning we stuck a fiver each into the pot before handing the money to the local ITU (despite Paul's protestations that we could have hijacked the cash and gone to the pub).
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 12:47, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

When she got back in from a night out
I was up for some dirty sex with the psycho I lived with. I pulled off her knickers and got down between her legs ready to start munching the rug straight away. Just as I was getting set I noticed someone else's man custard dribbling from her vag.

Over? Yes. Shouted at her for a bit then retired to the bathroom for a nice peaceful hand shandy.

Edit: Looks like davemission suffered the same fate - still at least I didn't start stirring the porridge ;)
(Wed 27th Jul 2005, 14:26, More)

» Teenage Poetry

Gardening
Mower mower in the bush
Overtook me in a rush
Saw my foot
Took it out
Saw me bleed
No time to shout
All cut up
All turned red
Peaceful now
We're all dead
Mower mower can't you see
That's not the way it's meant to be

I wrote a couple of poems like this when I was a gardener for a short period of time (until they took the tools away from me). Therapy has helped

*takes a few more tablets*
(Fri 12th Aug 2005, 8:30, More)