» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Kissing a corpse
Driving back from our lunch-break my mate and I saw a man lying on the pavement surrounded by concerned onlookers, at his insistence I stopped to “help”.

An off-duty policeman promptly arrived and prepared to give CPR to the corpse that had apparently been lying there for about 20 minutes. He (the off-duty policeman, not the dead body) ordered my mate to do the 2 breaths bit (mouth to mouth) while he pounded the heart, my mate (no 1st aid training) gave one blow, got an earful of dead-mans snot then sat up and said “s**t, I’ve lost my chewing gum”.

The off-duty officer muttered “for f**ks sake”, under his breath then started shoving his hands down the dead mans throat, after a little while he emerged triumphantly with the gum and for some reason I’ll never quite fathom stuck it in my hand with an instruction to “here, you look after this carefully”.

On the way back to work I had to pull over twice so my mate could throw up because he could still taste the dead mans salty spit, I’ve still got the chewing gum.

Every time we drive past a dead body now my mate just says “just keep f**king driving”, although admittedly we haven’t driven past very many.
(Fri 29th Feb 2008, 21:05, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

The first time I saw a dead body
I was in hospital, aged 20, recovering from blood poisoning from a cat bite and on Intra-veinous anti-biotics (there’s a funny story about that I’ll save for another time).

For some reason I was on a ward full of old people because that was the only place they could find to put me.

One morning I woke up to see an old man, a World War One veteran no less, sat up in bed staring at me. I returned his gaze with a smile; he kept staring, and staring, and staring. I watched him carefully for about 5 minutes, and unless he blinked at exactly the same time as me, he didn’t blink at all (I put that to the test with some random blink-testing).

I then noticed the other old bloke in the bed next to him looking at me, “dead ‘int he?” he said, “um” I said, “yeah, dead, I’ve been watching him for ages now”. He then pressed the nurse call button, “Nurse, he’s dead” he said pointing at him, “and get us a cup of tea would ya?”. The nurse quickly examined the old dead man, tutted and drew the curtains around him; she walked off shaking her head and came back 5 minutes later with a cup of tea for me, it was the worst morning of my life, I wanted Coffee.
(Fri 29th Feb 2008, 21:04, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

racist in denial....
My Nan's classic: "Well you know me, I'm not at all racist, but I wouldn't want darkies living next door".
(Fri 12th Mar 2004, 19:51, More)