» Advice from Old People

Life-Saving Information
My mum used to work in an old folks' home, and during the summer holidays I would be dragged to work with her, as I clearly wasn't old or responsible enough to be left home alone.

This wasn't as depressing as you might think. It was a massive Victorian building with rooms and corridors all over the place and huge grounds to mess about in. Plus there were lots of wheelchairs, although I could rarely find anyone willing to race me.

But of course the people were the most interesing thing about it, varying between normal, cracked and totally bat-shit. I talked to lots of them, but the one that I've never forgotten is the guy who taught me how to hypnotise chickens.

He said, "You pick the bird up by its sides and tuck its head under its wing. Then you just sway it gently from side to side, just like that, and it's totally hypnotised."

Why you would want to hypnotise a chicken, what you would do with it once hypnotised and how to bring it out of its trance he never explained, but 20 years later I'm still in awe of this fascinatingly useless advice. I'd love to try it though.

P.S. Sorry for everything really - I'm a failed de-lurker...
(Mon 23rd Jun 2008, 12:12, More)

» My first love

Well, first relationship that lasted longer than 12 days...
Secretary of my mate's dad (yup, her 28, me a mere 19) going great at first as she had her own place and was, well, reaching her sexual peak. Ahem.

Then I went off to Uni, and the long distanceness brought out her latent insanity. She threw a huge tantrum on the concourse of a packed New Street station (too embarrased to do anything except walk away), she was milimetres away from breaking my housemate's bare foot by stamping on it with her heeled shoe, and often used to bark and pant like a dog - unfortunately not at the times or places when you might appreciate it.

I blame her dad who was a completely twisted motherfucker (obviously) and her mum, neither of whom could stay out of their children's beds. Really unpleasant.

She's happy as Larry now with some guy who's equally intense. Bless 'em I say.

P.S. *Ping* Another cherry bites the dust.
(Fri 21st Oct 2005, 16:34, More)