b3ta.com user fantastic german
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» Pure Ignorance

We were taking a guided tour of a cave. They didn't want any lawsuits, you know, so they'd gone and wired up the whole place.
One of the guys in the group asks, "how did people find their way around in this cave before they put lights in it?"
Lanterns, hello? The tour guide had probably heard this question a million times.
"Bio-illuminescence," our tour guide deadpanned. "Most people don't know this, but if you rub your hands together really fast, they'll let off a bit of a glow."
Then he turned out all the lights.
I then heard twenty people furiously rubbing their hands together.

(no, I didn't fall for it)

On a more general note, I see that you guys have been "enjoying" our "tourists".
For several years now, America has been packing up its dumbest citizens, outfitting them with cameras and faulty phrasebooks, and shipping over to Western Europe. We used to just send them all to Texas, but when one of them escaped and got elected president we realized that keeping them on the continent was not an option.
(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 17:18, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Okay, I guess this isn't an "I survived for three months on ramen and ketchup packets" story. But still.

We're twenty-four hours from Andrew: big, big hurricane that struck south Florida in the early nineties. Catergory five. People's roofs got blown off, houses got flattened, etc.

So we see this thing coming. Oh my, what do we do? Why, the only thing we can do: Duct taped the windows.

Because shutters are expensive. We'd just moved in, we didn't have the money.

The good thing about ducttaping your windows is, unlike with proper hurricane shutters, you can look outside and see your neighborhood get destroyed.

Amazingly, not one window was broken. A lot of other stuff, trees and things, were destroyed, but not one window got blown out.
(Mon 11th Oct 2004, 4:11, More)

» Out of my depth

I am a Stupid American
Okay, so I'm standing in front of my tenth grade American history class, dressed up in drag as General Grant--with the cigar and the fake military decorations and everything. And I'm going on about the Civil War and all.

General Grant was, in addition to being a Civil War general, also the 17th or 18th president of the United States. I didn't know that, though. I know it *now*, but I didn't know it at the time.

So after I get done going on about the Civil War, teacher says, "now, what about the presidency?"

Wow. Out of my depth. I'm standing up there in a General Grant costume with no *clue* as to what she's on about. Was she on about Lincoln? No..A previously unknown section of my brain vaguely, vaguely remebered hearing of a President Grant..I wasn't even sure if it was the same guy, though. "The presidency, it was swell," I said, mangling my cigar. And that was it. It's not like you can BS history, you know.

I'm not normally that stupid about history, I promise. I'd gotten like five sources about General Grant for this project and not one of them mentioned him being the freaking president, so it's not like I was slack.

I got a B+. It was a nice costume.
(Wed 20th Oct 2004, 17:47, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

James Bond
(only works in America. Sorry.)

The combination of boredom and a plethora of parallel parking on winding, two-lane streets leads to many impromptu games of James Bond. That is, when driving down a quiet two-lane street, ease it up to sixty and start driving on the wrong side of the road. Humming the themesong is optional.
See if your passengers notice. They always, always do.
(Mon 29th Mar 2004, 22:48, More)

» Guilty Pleasures

every time I see PETA propoganda, print or on TV,
I go down to the sandwich shop and order something with as much meat on it as possible, both quantity and variety.

What PETA fails to realize is that slaughterhouse footage makes some of us carnivores hungry. Sick or what?
(Fri 8th Apr 2005, 13:44, More)
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