b3ta.com user Cheesecake
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I've been trawling around the B3TA like the sleazy bitch that I'm not for a while, started posting recently. Woo.

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» Ignoring Instructions

Newbie tuesday
HI ALL am 14/m/tx like th bord want to make lots friends lol. I LUV METALICA was wonderin if any ov u cud mebbe help me wit web design im not gud with computersLMAO go to my website www.metalicaizcool.com sign my gestbook if u do lol

see ya later

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|#~METALICAFAN203~#|

A note in legible, non-retarded english:
Welcome as you are, new types, if you don't read the manual (FAQ), B3ta may break (you). Disclaimer: Metallica is spelled with two Ls.

OMG LUV U
CHEESECAKE
(Thu 4th May 2006, 17:52, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Not exactly a sickie, but involving plenty of sick
So, there we found ourselves in the week of freedom following exams, in my corridor of Penbryn Hall of Residence, Aberystwyth University. What did we do? We did what all students do when facing free time. Though I can't remember, I'm told that upon returning to our communal kitchen from the union that night I began necking whisky from the bottle.

Y'know when you wake up with the kinda hangover you KNOW is going to be bad? I think the thing that gave it away for me was the way I passed out when going over to my sink to get some water. Its wierd to blink then find you're looking at the ceiling with a (suddenly much worse) headache.

So, its always bad when you need to exert some kind of effort when hung over, and there are plenty of stories about how terrible work is while afflicted...Well beat this:

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I climbed a fucking mountain.

Cader Idris: Second highest point of Wales, a particularly high country and something we'd decided to do with an idle day earlier that week. I'd wanted to do it, and decided the hangover would break before too long and that I could bear it like a man.

Yeah, so I'm a sodding idiot.

The journey there didn't help. Small, winding roads taken at high speed by an aggresive Cornish driver. I believe I may have set some kind've world record, "fastest vomit ever" at 60 mph. Apparently my preparation was very grim - Face changes colour, glasses off, window down, blech. A moment which has been likened to the armament scene from The Iliad. What helped even less was "Nice" James leaning out of the passenger seat window cheering while my sick splattered off the car. Thanks, you bastard.

Still, got 'em back...I found the large gob of snot/vomit stuck to the rear lights hilarious, as I was the only one with an empty stomach.

You think it ends here? Thats what I thought.

So we climb this mountain type thing. Its hot, and steep, and we all get very thirsty. Hint for the future, kids: don't drink lots of water on an empty stomach. Before too long, I'm feeling pretty bad again. Throwing up pure liquid is rather difficult, due to that "gravity" thing they tell us about occasionally. So here we find ourselves, the lads trying (and failing) to not laugh, and myself spasming "Like you were being electrocuted, or shot, or something." Cue yellow water shooting out of my mouth in a torrent - Apparently, it pushed the grass down and could be heard from a distance. Apparently, a woman walked up with a camera to take a photo of the (admittedly lovely) Welsh vista in front of us, took one look at your death-spasming narrator, then turned around and went back down. Truly, never have I hurled up my guts in a more lovely place.

Still not over I'm afraid. Have you ever tried walking for hours without any stamina? I hadn't slept for very long, I hadn't eaten anything and I had the hangover exhaustion. And we weren't even halfway up yet. Truly, walking around that ridgeline, I have never come so close to wishing for death. We were maybe three quarters of the way around, past the steep and difficult parts, when the hangover broke and I could eat again. I think I saw the face of God.

Sorry about length, but this mountain changed me forever, forging the weak iron of Cheesecake into the solid steel blade of Cheesecake+. This is no longer Cader Idris to me, but some kind of God-sent trial to burn the impurities from our very souls.
(Sun 11th Jun 2006, 12:18, More)

» Urban Legends

Urban legends?
Once upon a time, there were two forum goers called Stusut and Legless. While Legless was an excellent and entertaining storyteller, he perhaps passed off one story too many as an actual experience, and destroyed the whole image (as there are only so many tales people will take about wanking gorillas, camping holidays involving nurses & sheep and film-esque narrow escapes from the fuzz involving motorbikes before becoming suspicious ).

A set of the fairies he supposedly hallucinated about in one of his stories stole his nads as punishment. May that be a lesson to you, children. He did, however, win the prize for appearing the most Best Of QOTWs, which although good, wasn't much of a replacement for his stolen testicles.

Stusut was just crap.
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 18:18, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Yup, another grandparent story
....Though not mine. A mate, Rob, possesses a crazy Scottish nan. She's convinced he's called Joseph, and frequently gives him a pound for sweets (hes 21 now and about 6'4"). My introduction?

"Joooseph! Why's it so foggeh!?"
"Its not, Nan, its your cataracts."
(Thu 5th Jul 2007, 17:20, More)

» Voyeurism

Poke 'er?
Small gang of us sitting in a mate's house a few years ago, enjoying a quiet beer, decent music, good company and a few games of poker.

The odd girl who lived opposite spent at least an hour standing at her window staring across the street at us like we were the last straight jacket in the hospital before conversation moved onto her, or more accurately "Ste, what the fuck does that crazed bitch want?".

Upon postponing of our game and general shifting of interest, she waved what can only be described as a 2 lb Monster Kong dildo at us.

We closed the curtains at this point. Brrrr.
(Tue 16th Oct 2007, 12:22, More)
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