» Mugged

Sort of Heroic
An Ex of mine returned to her car after work (in a Bar as 3am) to find that someone had broken into her car and turned the glove box over. She called the police etc and they said it was all by the same 3 people but nobody ever saw them do it, this happened every week.

Obviously we asked why if it was every week they didn't sit there and wait for them to do it again, but they were' too busy'.

Friday night 2am, in a work transit van with 5 mates parked in the same car park, we are waiting.
2:30 3 chav scumbags walk over and break into the van through the back doors. The chavs were more than supprised to find 6 angry bastards waiting for them, even more supprised when they were dragged into the van, beaten up, clothes nicked and then burnt in a nearby bin. Then sent free to walk home through Streatham.

We're like the A team, of sorts.

Note: we left them with the Jewlery they were caked in, it was crap anyway because they all had green marks from the cheap gold. haha
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 16:05, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

A few months ago..
I was at home in my flat with my other half, and there's this mumbling noise and talking, we turned the tv off to work out what it was.

The couple in the flat next door were shagging loudly, and after a couple of minutes of us laughing the woman next door started screaming "Graham", which is my name, so on the fourth time she screamed it I shouted "Yes". All of a sudden it was silent.

If we had pissed ourselves laughing any more we would have needed a boat.
Priceless
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 21:26, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

near home
In Addiscombe there is a Pizza shop called "Pizza Online"
I just walked past there and the manager and a customer are talking.

Customer: Whats your website address then?
Manager: We're not on the internet
Customer: Why are you called Pizza Online then?
Manager: its a good name
Customer: Pizza Offline more like

He has a point, its pretty stupid if you arent on the net to run an internet pizza deliver company
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 21:54, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Peppa Pig - Pig or Cockmeat?
My 4 year old Neice was drawing Peppa Pig last week, and I somehow ended up teaching her to draw cocks

hey calm down I'm not the monster here
Peppa Pig really is a cock and balls, last week daddy pig (who has a hairy ballbag for a face) had a cold, he was wandering about sneezing and that was too much for me.

So she is caught drawing a 3 foot high cock on the living room wall at her house (yes with three drips) and then explains that its Peppa Pig, her mum explains that the picture is rude, and then the cherry on the cake. . . She explains to the entire family at sunday lunch watching her that uncle Graham says Peppa Pig is a Cock and Daddy Pig has Pubes on his face.

I probably don't need to describe the nature of the following phone call I recieved,
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 16:54, More)

» Council Cunts

Dump Nazis
Sorry this is long, but Croydon Council are a herd of Cunts.

In Croydon we are all under the evil rule of the Dustbin Malitia, a herd of gobshites that on a weekly basis seem to be able to fuck up the process of moving a black bag, they drag it on the floor until it burns through the bottom and shits garbage all over the pavement, then fuck off leaving it there.

Every 2 weeks the loud brigade turn up, (also known as the Fucks in Trucks)they are paid to take the glass bottles in the green recycle boxes and smash them into the back of a lorry, for 2 hours starting at 7am, while shouting at eachother like twats, they need to shout because they have deafened eachother.

This weekend I took a car load of shit to the dump, where the dump Nazis flock around you like flies to a turd, but not to help, no they are there to bitch about wanting me to seperate the contents of bin bags into different skips, I dumped a 32 inch tv that they watched me carry on my own through the car park, then came over to ask me for the remote control and did it work, I said it worked fine so they could carry it back to the twat hut to find out it didn't.
A woman there had a cardboard box for her pc, they wanted her to scrape the glued in polystyrene out of the box and dump it seperately.

A bloke took a front door into the dump while I was there and these three Dump Nazis told him to take the glass out of it and dump the glass and wood separately, he told them to fuck off.

I have changed my plan, fuck the environment, its all shit, Global Warming my arse, we had HAIL in Croydon in July, how the fuck is that global warming?
I have bought one of those burning dustbins from B&Q and I am gonna burn everything, paper, wood, plastic, everything because its easier than bowing down to the Axis of Evil in the Council.

If the Council read this then it was ME that used to stick bottles of washing up liquid into the fountain, every month, and if you didnt turn it off at night I would STILL be Doing it!

Sorry for the length, but feel the width
(Mon 30th Jul 2007, 13:52, More)