b3ta.com user octopus footwear
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i'm an art student graduate in my early mid late 30's from northumberland, living in edinburgh skye uist ayrshire with my girlfriend wife.

portfolio here

me in my jimmy jams

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Best Graffiti Ever

David Shrigley
not quite graffiti but the same idea of urban intervention is the artist David Shrigley's stuff, ie.

(Sun 6th May 2007, 23:17, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

operation cluster fuck
when i was a second year student living in college owned accommodation it was part of the deal that, if we wanted to keep our shared flat for more than a year, the first years sent to look round it had first refusal.

wanting very much to avoid the bother of moving and to keep our group of 2 (extremely fit) girls, 3 boys plus assorted partners, we decided the most effective short to long term strategy would be a three pronged attack designed to make our visitors feel as uncomfortable as possible in the shortest amount of time while remaining apparently, or atleast effectively, innocent as to motive; decreasing the chance of them leaving with a good impression while also leaving little room for independent judgement, and possessing little or no credible or relevant complaint for the college authorities.

moving all the beds into the lounge, we pushed them together, got into various states of undress, and coiled ourselves around one another to wait for their arrival.

obvious and, in the rather permissive zeitgeist of university, perhaps even too tame an impression to truly disrupt the subject so, understanding that good persuasion technique dictates that it is the subtle, unspoken, subconscious impressions that ultimately make or break the more direct assertions, "just enough to be noticeable" make-up was applied to the males, groans of mass ecstacy executed at precisely calculated pitch and volume were immediately stifled as the front door opened; the bathroom being the first room of the house, three tubs of "assumedly innocent but unusual enough to register" vaseline were lined up on the rim of the bath, and the lounge doorknob was given an "apparently accidental but generous" coating of grease.

on entering the dim and by now extremely close atmosphere of the lounge, to our untwitchingly innocent and ever-so-slightly-over-friendly bemusement, our visitors invariably made their excuses and immediately scarpered.

we managed to keep the flat but, alas, not our souls :)
(Sat 19th Aug 2006, 13:39, More)

» Heckles

squealing hot wench fun
My town holds an annual ye olde fayre where all of the local gentlefolk dress up in medeval garb, attempt to offload "authentic northumbrian craftwork" on to gullible tourists, get blind drunk, and, amongst other wholesome family entertainments, tie nubile young wenches clad in the flimsiest of material to a chair fixed to the end of a large beam then get several strapping local lads to "duck" her hard and repeatedly into a pool of freezing cold water, usually as penalty for some fabricated misdemeanour concocted for the howling crowd's fetid amusement.

All well and good. Anyway, one year i was standing in the market square watching such a "ducking" and the "Judge", having denounced some nervous vision of buxom glory as a witch, asked the crowd, as is custom, "shall we duck her?", "yeeeeeeeeessssss!" yells the crowd - again he asks, "shall we duck her??", "YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!" they bawled.

At which point I took it upon myself, in my defence oiled by two pints of Old Minge's Mind Wounder, to deliver what I thought at the time was a keenly observed yet universally interpellating riposte - in my best "bawling peasant #32c" I screamed, "BUUUURN HERRR ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVEE!!!!".

I was drunk enough to think this would at least get a good humoured titter, forgetting that this was the middle of a glorious summer's day, the majority of the market square thronged with the merry frolics of daytripping families - went appreciably quieter and, accompanied by the sound of children being suddenly held close to their mothers, turned their eyes toward me with a mixture of fear and suspicion...

...I stumbled off in silence and hid myself for a month.
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 20:00, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

the twin towers fell, part of me enjoyed it.
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 14:53, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

fucked up animal torturer
Went to school with a seriously fucked up farmer's kid who liked to torture animals. His favourite, he said, was to lock rabbits in his dad's barn, set them on fire, and watch as they ran around screaming. Something about his piercing blue eyes, wierd grin, and the precise detail of his repeated descriptions, lent a chilling believability to his stories. He was eventually locked up for psychiatric treatment when he took it upon himself to scrawl illustrations of his acts all over his A-level biology exam. No one ever saw him again.
(Fri 19th Jan 2007, 13:52, More)
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