b3ta.com user Vulthoom
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» Shame

Many years ago I pretended to be a socialist in order to join the Labour party. However, when I became Prime Minister I raised taxes for the poor, removed the right to trial by jury, deported everyone who looked a bit foreign and had hundreds of soldiers and thousands of civilians killed just to increase my poll ratings, making people look back on the good old days of Margaret Thatcher.

Sometimes when I'm sitting on a sun soaked beach in front of some multi-millionaire tobacco baron's palace in the Maldives I feel terribly ashamed.

I mean, the name Tony sounds sooo gay.

(Sun 27th Nov 2005, 8:11, More)

» The Police

Never tell the truth...
Many years ago some friends and I were entertaining ourselves, as was our want, by making a comedy horror film (my mate wished to be - and now is - a filmmaker and we were cast and crew). Returning from "location shooting" at a local gravel pit dripping wet and tired, we retire to my mates house while he pops down the road from some milk.

Cue policemen investigating reports of trespass at local factory. They come upon my hairy mate dressed in old jeans and denim jacket - a likely candidate for drug-crazed juvenile delinquent....

Policeman - "We've had some reports of someone trespassing in the old factory. Have you been near there?"
Mate - "Yes, officer."
Policeman - "And what were you doing?"
Mate - "Making a film about zombies from outer space."
Policeman - "Step into the car please sir....."
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 12:49, More)

» Posh

Long Live the King...?
Many years back I was waiting to cross the railway track in our one-whore town, wondering why such a large train was trundling slowly past this particular god-forsaken siding when I noticed some bloke leaning out of the window. As he looked familiar I smiled and and waved - he returned the compliment. It was Prince Charles.

Quite posh I think.
(Fri 16th Sep 2005, 16:04, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

When I was a nipper (about ten)
Tory MP and Tarzan impersonator Michael Hestletine accosted me in the main street of St Helens, stuck a sticker on me and asked if I was going to vote for him when I grew up. "No!" I said, took off the sticker and threw it on the ground. Aaah, them were the days....

Jazz singer George Mellie once asked me to move my bicycle and my carcase, both of which were blocking the train doorway. As he was exceptionally polite I didn't tell him to push it up his arse.
(Wed 14th Apr 2004, 22:01, More)