» The Weird Kid In Class

PIGEONS
A story one of my primary teacher told me of one of her ex-pupils back in the day.

There was a special needs kid that was getting moved to a special needs school a week later or so, and she was killing time by asking the class what bird was native to an example she was giving.

"Name a bird that is typically found in the Amazon jungle..."

Special Kid's hand shoots up, "PIGEONS!"

"Name a bird that is found in (whatever other place).."

Again, special kid goes "PIGEONS!"

So the teacher decided to let him have his moment...

"What bird is typically found in Trafalgar Square?"

"BUDGIES!!"
(Sat 20th Jan 2007, 16:22, More)

» Breasts

How I could have quit smoking.
Six years ago, working part time in a city centre Subway, having a quick smoke break, when a coach hired for a hen party drives past.

Cue me getting flashed by 15+ chavvy drunk women.

I should have thrown away my ciggies right there and then. There is NO WAY I will ever, ever, ever have a better smoke. Ah well.
(Sat 8th May 2010, 0:14, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Near-death. yay.
When I was a toddler, we had a family holiday in Butlins.

I was playing outside with some randoms, and we were jumping on the metal covers that lead to the sewers.

I went on one and it fell through. I couldn't swim, so I was drowning in filth. Thankfully my parents heard the commotion outside, and dragged me out.

So, after all that... (and a much needed bath) I wasn't bothered.

I was most annoyed about my Thomas the Tank Engine trainers being thrown away. I was too young to realise what had happened.
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 16:01, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

Drink fuelled is the best rudeness?
Dunno if he counts as a celebrity in comparison to popstars and the like but...

In 2002, me and a mate went to see 'And you will know us by the trail of dead' in manchester. So, we decided to spend most of the day drinking before it. I was 17 at the time, so alcohol tolerance was not its best.

Anyway, on the last song, Conrad did a bit of the old crowd surfing (a band member, for those who dont know). I noticed he was wearing slip on shoes. I was drunk, so naturally i tried to steal it. i managed to get the shoe off him, but then went into a tug of war with another fan over it. Eventually i managed to distract the fan by kicking his balls. But my shirt was being pulled on, so i got distracted too. "Get off my fucking shirt," i yelled, only to have Conrad say in some whiney american voice "its my shoe." (i didnt know it was him pulling the shirt though, makes sense)Then some other git took the shoe, could have been a roadie but that part seems very blurry.

But my T-shirt neck was half way down my stomach afterwards.
(Wed 14th Apr 2004, 22:02, More)

» Expensive Weekends

Football
I was still recovering financially from three months of unemployment, I had taken yet another bloody Subway job to tide me over. (Still tiding myself over in these jobs, I'll get there some day!)

Essentially, was goalkeeping for a friends 7-a-side team, we were playing against a bunch of rough gits called Louts Legends. There had been trouble with this team in the past, fights, swearing, rough play etc.

I went down to claim the ball, and an opponent I now always refer to as "that twat in a United shirt" still came in to kick the ball and kicked my hand. Pretty painful, I ended up spilling the ball and it went out for a throw in. I stayed on the ground, hoping the game could be stopped but they went for a quick throw in so I got off my arse and finished the game.

Took my gloves off at the end of the game, and my left hand little finger was pointing the wrong way, swollen and really painful. After a trip to the hospital, found out it was fractured.

Now, in any other job I would be able to keep working with that injury, but Subway insist you wear those crappy plastic gloves and since I had two fingers taped together I couldn't work.

Cost me £600 in lost wages (difference between my earnings and statuory sick pay) plus all the money I pissed away since my solution to spending 4 dull weeks off work was job hunting (unsuccesfully), browsing the internet and going out drinking as much as possible.

I can't understand dole lifers - it's too bloody boring!
(Sun 16th May 2010, 17:09, More)