b3ta.com user Steve The Monkey
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for Steve The Monkey:
Profile Info:


Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Never Meet Your Heroes

The Other Two
This happened to a friend of a friend, but it IS a true story.

He was out with a mate in Manchester 15 years or so ago, and they were in a pub, when he noticed that his mate kept staring at three people sitting at a table opposite. One of the blokes went of to the gents, at which point his mate went over and spoke to the other two, coming back grinning.

"What was all that about?" my mate asked.

"Well, I've been looking at them for ages, because I thought I recognised the bloke who went off to the gents. So I went over and asked them if they were with the lead singer of New Order. And, yes, it is!".

"Great," says my mate, "You know how New Order is Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook, plus the other two? Well, the two people you've just spoken to - that's the other two".
(Thu 25th May 2006, 16:43, More)

» Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way?

Hey Judy!
I hope your reading B3ta today, cause you're dumped bitch!
(Fri 18th Jun 2004, 10:27, More)

» Petty Sabotage

At Uni, all of the flats had individual bedrooms, with individual locks. And peepholes in the door. The kitchens also had locks on them. Opened by the same key that opened your bedroom door.

One day, a mate swapped the lock on a flatmate's bedroom door for the one on the kitchen whilst he was in the shower. At the same time, he took the peephole out and turned it round.

Result? Anyone could now unlock this guy's bedroom, without him knowing. But also spy on him in his room.

You can probably guess the rest....but here goes: wait for flatmate to start having a wank, which you can see through the peephole, gather the rest of the flat together, quietly slip a key into the lock, and 1-2-3-SURPRISE!!!
(Thu 5th May 2005, 15:00, More)

» Pathological Liars

Cool As Fridge
At Uni, we decided to see how gullible the masses were, so we started a rumour that the Inspiral Carpets were headlining the May Ball (come on, this was 1991).

A few weeks later, my mate came up to me all excited: "You'll never guess what! The Inspirals are headlining the May Ball!".

One withering look of contempt followed and the comment "I know. That's the rumour that you and I started. Congratulations."
(Fri 30th Nov 2007, 14:54, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Experiment Date: Yesterday

Problem: Garden umbrella stuck in position

Desired Outcome: Unstuck garden umbrella

Required Equipment: Garden Umbrella, Wife, Penknife, Sterile Bandages, Car, Superglue

Test Notes: The garden umbrella comes in two parts, which pull apart. One part is stuck inside the other: this experiment will assess the different methods of removing one part from the other so that they become unstuck.

Test 1: Hold one part in each hand and pull.

Outcome: Zero effect.

Test 2: Hold one part whilst wife holds other part, and pull in a straight line.

Outcome: Zero effect.

Test 3: Hold one part whilst wife holds other part, and pull whilst twisting parts in opposite directions.

Outcome: Zero effect.

Test 4: Insert something thin and flat between two parts, and attempt to prise apart.

Outcome: A penknife was used for this test. As it was vigorously manipulated, the tester's hand slipped, slicing the tester's thumb vertically in two from front to back, straight through the nail: estimated length of severance - one half-inch. Sterile bandages were required to staunch the surprisingly copious flow of blood. The car was utilised to transfer the tester to hospital, where, after a duration, superglue was used to join the two parts together again. The umbrella remained in one part, unlike the tester's thumb.

Test 4: Burn the garden umbrella and buy a new one...

Conclusions: A penknife is not an ideal implement for trying to separate two poles that are stuck together.

Secondary Conclusion: My thumb hurts.
(Mon 28th Jul 2008, 16:05, More)
[read all their answers]