b3ta.com user Ian Maiden
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Shut your face.

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» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

It's the last one, honest.
This was a cracker by a mate of mine. He was emailing a very important female big cheese in a utility company. Trying to be ultra-polite, he started the email with "I appreciate the fact that you're very busy".

But the poor bastard mis-typed, so his opening line was instead "I appreciate the fact that you're very busty."
(Thu 22nd Apr 2004, 17:23, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Russian roulette, but with eggs. Sort of.
A mate of mine used to share a house with a few people, including a girl who was very particular about her food and drink.

So, he used to wind her up every time she'd been out shopping. When she'd brought home a new half dozen eggs, he'd take one out of the box, hard boil it, let it cool down and then replace it in the box.

He did it virtually every time she bought eggs so she grew to expect it eventually, but she could never find out which of the eggs was the ringer, until she wanted to eat it. It didn't make her happy.
(Fri 6th May 2005, 9:28, More)

» Scars with history

I'll try and keep this short
I was 16, on an exchange trip to Spain, aimed at improving our very basic grasp of the language.

I'm off on my own (probably not a good idea in itself), riding a bike to where I was working. I'm steaming down a hill, an insect flies into my eye, so I rub it with one hand while continuing to steer the bike.

The hill gets steeper, bike goes faster, one hand is still on my eye, so I pull the brake with the other.

Front brake locks on, I fly over the handlebars and wake up a little while later surrounded by a well-meaning and worried Spanish family.

They're pointing to the lump on my head and the bleeding gash on my arm (hence the scar), jabbering away in Spanish.

I've just woken up, and the best I can come up with in return is "I am 16. I am from England. I am an exchange student. Do you sell stamps? Where is the train station? The light in my room doesn't work.....etc.".
(Fri 4th Feb 2005, 11:05, More)

» Job Interviews

I'm struck by how many people here claim to have turned up to job interviews hungover, tired, recovering from MASSIVE, KER-AZY drugs benders, etc....zzzzzz....

You lying toads. Admit that you were tucked up in bed the previous night by 8.30 with a cup of cocoa and a copy of the company's brochure.

You're fooling nobody.
(Tue 25th Jan 2005, 11:51, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

You bunch of fussy tarts
Put enough salt and pepper on anything and it's edible - nay, delicious. FACT.

In fact, give a hungry man a salt and pepper grinder and leave him in any environment - zoo, second-hand shoe shop, nursing home - and he will happily survive until he's down to the bricks and mortar.
(Thu 15th Jul 2004, 17:19, More)
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