» Bastard Colleagues

Sorry,



i thought it said border collies.
(Sat 26th Jan 2008, 2:07, More)

» Other people's diaries

Bored at uni
I was living with a few blokes in my final year of uni, and I never really saw eye-to-eye with them.

One night they'd all gone out on one of their regular jaunts to some puke-filled dingy club whilst I stayed in to write my dissertation. Being a bit bored of whatever feminist psychoanalytical claptrap I was reading at the time, I decided to venture into one of my housemate's rooms and take a peek at his rather conspicuous diary.

It was filled with the kind of sub-existential bullshit my housemates were so fond of - along the lines of "I'm scared of the future", "I'm going to be a great novelist" and "I need more confidence".

There were also mentions of all his friends and what he'd done with them, like going to parties and the beach and doing loads of drugs and sex. Each flatmate got mentioned at least a dozen times, but there was only one solitary reference to myself. It was:

April 17 2003
HENRY DID A MASSIVE POO TODAY.

I recall the incident in question, and it was rather large and wouldn't flush. I went out and came home to find ALL my flatmates and one of their friends gathered round the bowl giggling and variously describing it as being "like a trout" and "dark matter".

If that's what I'm remembered for creating I'll die a proud man.
(Thu 1st Feb 2007, 17:04, More)

» Why I was late

Age six-ish after a few days off
Teacher: "You've been off school haven't you? What was the matter?"
Me: "I had dinosaurs."
Teacher: "Do you mean diarrhoea?"
Me: "Yes."
(Thu 28th Jun 2007, 14:46, More)

» Cringe!

Christmas
I think I was about 12, and we had the family over for a party. We were playing a word association game called "poohsticks bananas", which probably would have fitted in last week's category. It's not a gay game or anything. Well, it is gay, but not in the shoving sticks and bananas up your family's arse sense of the word.*

The game works like this: you all sit in a big circle, and the player looks at a family member and says a word, like "frog", for instance. Whoever is being looked at has to look at a different person and say something that either rhymes with "frog", or begins with the same letter. So you could say "dog", or "film", or, for double points, "fog". It carries on until someone says a word starting with "p", in which case the next person has to say "poohsticks", and the person after that has to say "bananas". It's all very civilised, I think my Mum read about it in the Telegraph.

We were playing this that one Christmas, and my cousin looked at me and said "bark". I then looked directly at my uncle, and yelled "TWAT!" as loudly as I could. I'm not sure why, I don't have tourette's or anything. That certainly put a dampener on the Christmas party, and I was promptly sent to my room. I was actually more proud than embarrassed, to be honest.

*this post is fast becoming an embarrassing moment in itself.
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 23:03, More)

» My most gullible moment

I fooled a load of people online
by making this video:

(Thu 21st Aug 2008, 20:49, More)