» Strict Parents

Going Out - Or not, as the case may be
My Dad was a comissioning engineer so regularly spent 18 months at a time in India, Zimbabwe etc, so my Mum had free reign over the house. My childhood up until starting secondary school at age eleven was fairly happy and care-free (what I remember of it anyway).

Anyway, upon returning from my first day at said secondary school my Mum informed that I was no longer allowed to leave the house to "play" in the evening as "your school work is now your first priority". I was pretty gobsmacked to say the least as I was looking forward to seeing my ex-primary school chums who had gone to different schools to see how they had got on etc etc. The new regime only got stricter from there. I was informed that I would be able to go out on Friday evenings and Saturdays only, even Sunday was a no-go. Two hours of homework were required every night, followed by any and all chores she could think of to keep me busy until 9pm whereupon I had to go to bed.

Sundays were spent, without fail, doing no less than THREE hours of homework, then cutting the grass (my parents had to go and buy a house with a huge lawn and driveway), sweeping the drive, cleaning both bathrooms, ironing all the clothes that had been washed over the weekend and generally being her personal slave. This continued up until the age of 16, when I finished my final GCSE exam.

I then went on to Sixth Form where the regime continued unabated, despite my protestations I wasn't developing social skills and was struggling to keep friends. When I finally finished my last A Level exam I thought I would be free, but was then told to immediately get a job as I now owed her £60 a week rent and board, on top of the insane number of chores I was still expected to do. I thought passing my driving test would gain me some freedom but I more often than not spent my time driving her places, doing shopping or any other inane errand she could think of.

To this day I still blame her bitterly for my complete inability to handle myself in social situations or make friends with people, my chronic (for two years at least) agoraphobia, and being unable to leave the house after dark unattended.

Hell, if it weren't for the internet I would probably still be totally lacking in romantic experience owing to the fact that it is hard to have a girlfriend who you can only see at school, and on Fridays and Saturdays.

I also lament the fact that her constant drive to make me better myself has now resulted in me being terminally lazy with zero ambition or self confidence. I have now worked for the same shitty IT company that pays terrible money for 6 years simply because I cannot be bothered to try and find another job. All my will to put effort into doing or learning things was used up during my childhood and try as I might, I cannot change it.

Reading back what I have just written, it seems as though my childhood was relatively easy compared to some of the other stories here, but this isn't really the half of it. I think I have probably repressed most of it.

My sister claims to have had a much worse time of things (I was oblivious to most of it as she is 6 years older than me) and I am inclined to believe her since my Mother made it very clear to her from an early age that she was a mistake. They get on OK at last now (my sister being 32) and laugh about what happened all those years ago but I still cannot. No doubt I will go to my grave bitter about it.

B3ta cherry = popped. Thank You and good night.
(Fri 9th Mar 2007, 16:38, More)

» Best Comebacks

Kind of a geeky one
I moderate an American gaming community message board, and am well known for my low tolerance of stupid people, especially kids around 13-16. Anyway, while discussing the up coming GTA: San Andreas, one such stupid person said this:

"I read on a website somewhere that they're not going to make anymore GTA games after the fourth one."

My response:

"I read on a website somewhere that Hitler was made of biscuits"

Like I said, pretty geeky, and technically not a comeback, but still pretty funny, even if I do say so myself.
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 15:50, More)

» Best Comebacks

Kind of stolen from The Young Ones but hey,
While in a meeting at work with the boss I love to hate (and take the piss out of behind his back). We got into an argument about the team looking scruffy for not tucking their shirts in or something. The hilarity went like this:

Boss: I don't know why I bother sometimes.

Me: I don't know why you bother ever.

Everyone else: Trying not to laugh, or speechless with horror.

Later that same year I moved to a new job, now I am free to take the piss as much as possible.
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 8:36, More)