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» Best Graffiti Ever

Near Cobh, Ireland

(Fri 4th May 2007, 0:23, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Army justice
About 10 years ago, a mate of mine, lets call him Brian, was set upon by a bunch of about 6 or 7 scabby little shits at a bank machine right in the middle of town. Brian is a well meaning, quiet, weedy little bloke who wouldn't dare offend anyone, much less hurt someone else, you know the type. They knicked his money - fair enough. Then they kicked seven colours of shite out of him which really wasn't called for. He had to go to A&E and was in quite a bad way really for a few days afterwards.

Anyway, what the scabby little minks didn't realise was that Brian was mates with a bunch of huge burly army cadets who went to the same engineering class as him in university, and they were right put out at the injustice of it all.

So, cut to about a week or two later, Ed, one of the cadets, was driving through town about 3 or 4 miles from where the mugging happened with Brian in his passenger seat and Brian spots the chavs walking along the side of the road on their way into town. He tells Ed that they're the guys and Ed and his cadet mates swing into action with top fucking military precision.

Ed gets straight on his mobile to all his mates, who drop what they're doing from all over town and jump in the nearest car full of vengeful muscle bound soldiers and speed towards the scene.

Ed drops Brian home telling him he really doesn't want to see what happens next, and being a well meaning chap, he really didn't. Meanwhile Ed's in constant contact with the rest of the army who are keeping the chavs under surveillance, but wait for Ed and the rest of their mates to get there as none of them want to miss this.

They really went to town on those little fuckers, using hurling sticks and the like. Must have sent most of them to the A&E in a far worse state than Brian.

EDIT: Which part of this I witnessed is left as an exercise for the reader
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 13:40, More)

» Road Trip

I'm driving on a road trip right now. I know they say you shouldn't use a mobile while you're driving but I'm a really good dri
(Wed 20th Jul 2011, 1:57, More)

» Overheard secrets

High finance
I was earwigging in a bar in Singapore recently, one popular with the managers in international finance. The levels of selfish narcissistic self-entitlement in there went beyond merely irritating and horrifying and had passed through some kind of unbelievability event horizon so that it had become hugely entertaining, sort of like watching footage of spectacular natural disasters that have passed out of the "too soon" category.

Two highly aggressive (and very drunk) managers were discussing who to promote to run the Hong Kong office. They were agreed that finance arsehole #1 was a much better fit than finance arsehole #2. #1 had been caught embezzeling shiteloads of money. #2 was "a bit too chinese", by which they meant that he negotiated equitable compromises that everyone was happy with. However #1 was an aggressive cock like themselves who continually left a string of defrauded and embezzled investors in his wake. This is apparently a good thing, as it kept the culture of fraud going which allowed them to continue to dip their wick in other peoples money, whereas #2's negotiation and compromise were a Sign Of Weakness and Very Bad For The Company, in other words, he didn't cheat people out of money like they wanted to.

The worst thing about it though was that the entire drunken conversation was carried out in a version of hyper-capitalist management Newspeak which allowed them to convince themselves they were operating on some sort of highly ethical plane for the greater good of everyone.

Complete cunts. Oh, this was shortly after the large bailouts.
(Fri 26th Aug 2011, 11:16, More)

» Dodgy work ethics

We wrote a utility for use by the salesmen of a stonking big transport refrigeration corporation that works out what type of fridge is the most efficient that will meet their customers needs. It has horrendously complicated algorithms in it and the customer enters what his trailers are made from, how thick their walls are, even what colour they are and so on, then it plugs dozens of these variables into a fiendishly complex set of fluid dynamic equations, and works out how many BTUs are needed to keep your strawberries fresh or your pies toasty or whatever. We spent weeks getting the equations right.

Unfortunately it turns out very cheap fridges are perfectly adequate for most customers needs, and that wont do at all. So at the end of the horribly complex equations that work out what fridge is best, we were told to instead spit out an answer that is basically three or four fridges larger in size in their range of fridges so they can make a few quid more. We immediately said "meh" and did it.

The same crowd fairly recently brought out a new fridge that they had been working on for years, and it's great. Works like a charm. Except the trouble is, that it works like a charm. Their dealers hate it as it never breaks down and they dont get to sell any spare parts. So they immediately stopped making it and brought out a new improved version that is fucking shit and breaks all the time, and everyones happy now.

Capitalism eh.
(Tue 12th Jul 2011, 20:21, More)
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