b3ta.com user TwoFourAlpha
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» Work Experience

We once took...
a work experience guy on at a place I worked building lighting systems.
His application form asked "Have you done any work experience? If so, where"
He answered, "2 weeks in a garage"
"What did you learn from this experience?"
"I don't want to work in a garage."

Also, when I was a young Apprentice in the Army, I was once sent running back from the ranges to the barrack block for some shooting record cards. The duty Sergeant in the crew room took a dislike to me, an sellotaped them to a drill MILAN missile and made me run back with them.
My Platoon Sgt peeled them off, called me a c*nt, and made me take it back again.
So after about 3 miles, half of them carrying 60-odd pounds of gear for no reason, my Sgt says, quietly, "I called you a c*nt, because you weren't smart enough to hide the bloody missile, and bring the paperwork. That idiot in the crew room would not have been able to explain why our drill MILAN was under a bush, and he couldn't have blamed you for taking it. Did you learn anything today?"

I did
(Thu 10th May 2007, 23:46, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Can't use this one too often.
I'm currently off work because I just had my left arm amputated. Took my shoulder blade, collar bone and two ribs, too.

I'm left-handed too. Life's a bitch like that.

Shitter, huh?

Get back to work, you lazy bastards.
(Tue 13th Jun 2006, 23:31, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Pub Quiz
Our local used to do a pub quiz. Not one of these ridiculous competetive jobs, just a bit of a laugh. Prizes varied, but there was a nasty phase when the Landlord started giving out bottles of crap perry ( pear cider ).

As a bunch of 20-something pissheads, we couldn't bring ourselves to drink these. Well, we did try one- hence the other 7 undrunk bottles.

Anyway, christmas rolls round, and we stroll into the pub.

"Hi Kev, Merry Xmas and all that. Here's a little something to say thanks for putting up with us all year"

"Oh, you shouldn't have. It's a bottle. I can tell by the shape of the wrapping paper. Oh, you've all got one. Thanks lads, that's really thoughful. You really shouldn't have."

No, we shouldn't. But at least it got rid of seven bottles of perry.

Guess what the next pub-quiz prize was.
Yup. You got it.
(Sun 7th Aug 2005, 0:56, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Tired after a long day at work, heading home. Heater on, fuggy car, shite on the radio.

I hear a 'bump' and realise I've hit something.

Pulling over sharpish, I see there's a pretty woman on the other side of the road, rubbing her bum.

Sounds funny, but I'd hit her with my offside wing mirror. She was standing in the middle of the road waiting to cross. I never saw her.

She thought someone had 'slapped her bum' driving past. She was really good about it. I was ready to face the Wrath of Plod, and fair enough.

When I got home, I stood next to the car close enough to be hit by my mirror.

It scared me shitless.

My front wing must have been only a couple of inches from her.

I was doing 28ish in a 30 zone. I don't think she knows how close I came to killing her.

Length? Six inches makes a massive difference.
(Sat 30th Dec 2006, 1:08, More)

» Ripped Off

...maybe our shortcake-munching cousins have such unholy things as 'hundred pound notes', I'd not know, never venturing closer to the haggises than Carlisle.

However- I forgot to mention that UK law states that it is an offence to "pass ..." counterfeit currency. The upshot is that if I give a shady tenner to the bloke behind the bar and he spots it, he commits an offence when he gives it back to me saying " I'm not accepting this, it's made from kitchen roll and crayon" or whatever.

Anyway, pointless pedantry aside...
(Fri 16th Feb 2007, 1:30, More)
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