b3ta.com user Grundlebiscuit
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Hello friend.

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FP OMG! well that took 3 f'ing years...
(Sat 14th Jan 2006, 19:50, More)

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» Heckles

The Friday Night Project
shittest thing on TV with or without Jimmy Carr, straight Greham Norton just does not work...

anyway, about a year ago, when Jimmy Carr did present, me and my now ex-girlfriend went to go see it at the London Studios after arranging for me to ask Kelly Osbourne a question.

I was well excited because my question, which had been accepted by the prodution team (over the phone!) was:

"Kelly having now such a successful music career and life as a part time model, has it ever struck you to take a leaf out of your mum's book and sort your face out?"

I was so excited that I would get to do this on telly, as any counter-culture piss taking cunt such as myself would be.

We had arranged to meet the production team in the pub over the road so that's where we went rather than directly to the studio. I was a little disgruntled about not being able to queue as they were handing out free beer to everyone. Cunts. Got in the pub, met the team and they are giving out bits of paper with peoples questions. However these questions were not ones sent in, just ones made by the complete and utterly guest pleasing production tem...I got the last one left and was not happy: "Kelly what kind of guy turns you on?"

Fuck a duck, not happy!

Got to asking the question after the most lifeless hour of my life which would later be cut to make 15 minutes worth of footage. I stood up and gave a pervy smile for comedy effect and then went "Kelly....so...what kind of guy really tuurns you oooon?!"

Sharply responded to with "Not you!"

I then pull a complete Paxman and shout from my seat

"I think I speak for all the men in this room when I say that the feeling's mutual!"

I was cut...what a bunch of cocks, that was the funniest thing to happen all night.
(Sun 9th Apr 2006, 19:04, More)

» My Worst Date

Easy one this week!
Sorry if I told anyone this story before I think I posted it about a year or so ago.

Ok, I'm 15, slightly overweight but fairly popular none the less. I'd been going out with this girl sarah for a month then (pretty damn serious for a 15 year old) and man was she fit as a butcher's dog! Everyone fancied her, and I still to this day wouldnt even think of saying no, infact I believe shes going into modelling and so fourth at the moment.
We went out as we usually did, to the shopping centre, me dressed in my hoodie and her in not very much at all, went to see "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" I think. About 3 in the afternoon - i remember it specifically - I decided I needed a crap, so I left Sarah standing outside while I went to curl a winner :o)
Now I dont know if anyone has ever done this, but I experienced an accident which Is commonly known as giving yourself "brass rubbings": yes, I had done the unthinkable and accidentaly wiped my arse on my favorite T-Shirt.

I stashed the t-shirt and put on my hoodie then swiftly went out to meet Sarah. It was fucking hot that day too, so I did not want to be in a hoodie. After a while my BO was getting bad. I decided to cut my losses and I told her I was going home, and for one reason or another I broke up with her very soon after. To this day I always make a huge effort to pull my top tight when wiping my arse :oD

Beat that. No really, It would help my self confidence...
(Mon 25th Oct 2004, 1:12, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Worst christmas ever...
my brother got an N64 the lucky bastard. Guess what I got??? Not one, but TWO educational cd roms (one science, one maths). Apparently they were very expensive. I smashed them in anger, and singlehandedly destroyed christmas. Of course I blame my dad.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 21:09, More)

» Insults

Well possibly not the best insult...infact not an insult at all, more of an insulting threat
My friend James has many a funny story from his childhood - he was a strange child.

His second funniest story is from when he had just begun secondary school. This one boy, I think his name was possibly John, used to pick on him with the kind of finesse only a previously bullied year 9 can do. Not just shouting "greebo" at him but also the higher grade technique of reverse-bullying, a la Janitor/JD.

Anyway, during one of these reverse bullying "skits", James was getting quite ovewhelmed by the situation and decided to end this all here. After plucking up enough courage he took a firm step forwards and pronounced, "SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL WANK YOU!"

Of course James must have been slightly confused in regards to the definition of the word wank. Anyhow, it was extremely effectiveand I don't think John bullied him again for fear of getting wanked.

Oh and if you're interested; his best story is when he was walking from his house to the city centre, dressed as a baby and ended up having to parry and then headbut an agressing chav to the delight of everyone. The less details about that particular story, the more magical I think :)
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 22:49, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

I'd spent all my money on the stuff 16 year olds spend all their money on, and ended up without any way of getting home
now, this was serious, as I live out in the sticks, and I was up by the Snowdome in Milton Keynes (huge can of baked beans in the ground) having fun....the way 16 yeart olds do.
Anyway to cut a long story short, me and my friends slept rough by some 5 foot heaters and pretended to be tramps. Hell we pulled it off too well though. To shed some light, I never used to take off my Fear Factory hoodie come rain or shine, rip or tear, you get the point.

Anyway, woke up and some random guy brought us over a bucket of KFC at 3 in the morning! Fabtastic! We shared it with some tramps and they shared...what tramps like to share (no, not soddomy). So I lay there, mashed, full with chicken, and hugging a very fit girl! Having no money can be good some times!
(Tue 12th Oct 2004, 17:05, More)
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