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The Missing Turd
One time I went to my buddy's house in a nearby town. I was going to spend the night, which allowed me to get as drunk as I felt like. I drank most of a bottle of tequila and my friend Dale, stayed sober so he could drive us around. His dad was out of town for the weekend so he thought we would spend the night at his dad's house cuz I'd never been there & seen it.
At the end of the night when we got to his dad's house I was so bombed that I soon passed out in the family room downstairs.
Dale went upstairs to go to sleep in his dad's room.
In the middle of the night I woke up with TERRIBLE shit pains. I looked around & it was total darkness.
I've never been more disoriented.
I had no idea where anything was, & I was crawling around on the floor trying to find a doorway or anything that might be the bathroom. I was about to burst & I was nearly crying in pain.
A prize winning turd was coming out, ready or not.
Yep, I was growing a tail in the dark, in a strange house, plastered drunk.
Then details fade & the next thing I remember is waking up in the morning after the sun came up.
Then it hit me.
I broke out in a horrified sweat.
I'd fucking pooped somewhere in Dale's dad's house!
I had no idea where.
But there wasn't a bathroom down there I noticed.
So I hunted around wondering where I would have shat while lost in the dark. I looked for about a half hour until I found a nice steamer about the size of my forearm in a clothes basket in the laundry room. I got 3 dryer sheets off of a shelf & picked up the item. Then I went upstairs to find a toilet to flush it down.
When I got to the top of the stairs imagine my terror when I met Dale's wife there!
She had come over to surprise us by making us breakfast.
How sweet of her.
So there I stand, holding a gigantic human turd wrapped in dryer sheets, trying to hide it from her while we make pleasant smalltalk.
~
Don't tell anyone about this cuz I don't want them to find out.
Thanks.

Love;
buckeyebradford
(Fri 7th May 2004, 20:47, More)