» Mini Cabs From Hell

Does this count?
A mate of mine Big Tim, was out enjoying cold drinks one night in fashionable Leicester, and at the end of the evening he decided to hail a mini-cab.
The crazy guy.
Anyway, a guy pulls up and Big Tim tells him his address '10 King Road, Please'.
And away they go.
On arrival at Big Tim's house, he asks driver 'How much do I owe you?'
'I'm not a cab driver.'
'What?'
'I thought you were kidnapping me.'

Tim is Big. He got his lift home for free, needless to say he had the last laugh.
(Thu 27th May 2004, 10:53, More)

» Out of my depth

Not being funny
Age 11, Pontins holiday camp. Young me decides out of boredom to enter 'talent' contest. Incredibly my ill-prepared naff impressions and thievery of the routines of Andrew O'Connor off TV's On The Waterfront is enough to see me victorious against my nearest rivals, two skinhead brothers who do 'acrobatics' (forward rolls) and a girl who 'sang' 'Nothing's Gonna Change (My Love For You)' by Glen Medeiros.

Anyway, as well as getting a medal and a lovely photo I get to go to the FINAL which is at a big Pontins in October - meaning I have to take A DAY OFF SCHOOL. My entire family come with me to 'support' and I assure them that I've worked out an hilarious routine, when I clearly haven't, even to the extent of asking my dad to acquire some bizarre props for me which I have pretty much no intention of ever using.

Having done absolutely no preparation whatsoever, I get there and DIE ON MY 11 YEAR OLD ARSE in front of 300 people including my Parents and Brother, and to this day, we never speak of this. In my memories, a baby even starts crying during a silence following one of my 'jokes'.

Ironically, I now make a living from comedy.
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 11:51, More)

» Scars with history

Slight facial burnage
due to bobbing for chips in the Falklands
(Fri 4th Feb 2005, 11:19, More)

» You're a moviestar baby

The Movie 'Short Circuit'
is loosely based on my life.

Only it wasn't a robot that came to life when it was struck by lightning, it was an uncle who died.
(Thu 11th Nov 2004, 12:29, More)

» Office Christmas Parties

I swear this is true.
No-one ever believes me when I tell this story.

In the year 2000 I was working for a large multi-national, who's Xmas do was tied in to a 'fun' afternoon team-building exercise. We'd been told that for this we'd need to bring some old trainers to wear as posh party shoes would get ruined.

This isn't the unbelievable part btw.

Anyway, like someone who didn't really care about their job - I forgot my spare shoes so had to go via my Mom's house to pick them up on the way to the hotel for the do.

So I'm on my way to the hotel when I got stopped by the police and arrested on suspicion of armed robbery. I spend the afternoon in a cell before being released after a taped interview with a lawyer present.

The police's big evidence - I drove past the scene of the crime about ten minutes later and I fit the description of the criminal which was 'Young White Man in a Hat'.

Incredibly I'm back home in time to get ready and still make the evening do. Picturing the mayhem my non-appearance may have caused, I take a copy of my record of arrest with me so that they know I haven't been skiving.

I show up, see my then line-manager and she says 'Hi, are you enjoying yourself?'. And I say 'But I only just got here...'

Literally NO-ONE had noticed that I hadn't shown up. I quit a mere three years later.
(Fri 17th Dec 2004, 12:45, More)