» Take my Mother-in-law...

Spiritual Crocodile
I used to go out with this girl who was a Mormon WHICH IN MANY WAYS WAS A BIG MISTAKE but anyway she was fit and dirty so all other considerations went out the window. She was incredibly slutty for me - but obviously a shining, virginal pillar of her religious community. Anyway, we were round at my gaff playing a spot of doctors and nurses when all of a sudden there comes a hammering at my front door. Nursey flees into the kitchen whilst I see to the door and there is MIL - a short, pious little woman, very prim and well attired in something like 1950's garb - her face contorted with puritanical rage, she screamed at me

"SINCE MY DAUGHTER HAS KNOWN YOU SHE HAS BECOME A LIAR AND A DECEIVER!"

It was even more scary that she wasn't aware that Nursey was in the kitchen at the time, and had sought out where I lived in order to rain down God's righteous indignation that I should sully one of his flock with my non-christian ways. God knows what the poor woman would have said if she'd have known I was also sullying her daughter with my penis.

arf. religion is teh funny.
no apologies neccessary as we were forunately able to finish 'doctors rounds' when I shut the door in the mad old bat's face.
(Thu 8th Sep 2005, 15:09, More)

» My Worst Vomit

"more scrumpy!"
1x bottle absinthe
1x bottle aftershock (red)
1x bottle bacardi
an awful lot of beer
and two extremely large and suspicious bottles of some murky looking liquid labled 'Scrumpy'
some* pills* (*indeterminate)

the four friends imbibed this booze fest whilst 'enjoying' bucket after bucket after bucket after bucket... it got late and things began to go wrong. I myself wandered into the nearby field and suffered a mighty panic attack whilst shouting at a cow - staggered back to the house to find 'D' doing the 'stab in between your fingers with a big knife' game but getting it messily wrong. 'E' was asleep in a chair, calmly I thought until he suddenly shot up and stated, 'more Scrumpy!', whereupon he went outside and into next door's front garden. He then walked right up to their livingroom window and roared an obscene amount of sick onto it and the nearby flowerbeds.
'A' was sitting in the bathroom, in the toilet, big sickie grin round his chops and in his beard. I looked in the direction of his smile and saw a tiny little poo in the bath. It was only small, but it stunk and it made me do a little sick. then 'A' did a sick. then 'D' came upstairs and saw us sicking and he made a sick too. After our communal sick we all felt better, but still twisted so we went downstairs and 'E' was sat on the front garden - he was holding a cat and sicking on it.

No apologies for length because you love it.
(Wed 25th Aug 2004, 11:58, More)

» Stupid Tourists

c0mput3r g8m35 t0ur157s
M1 d8d came int0 m1 r00morxx wh1l57 1 wa5 play1ng EQ, me an tehguyz h8d been flaming a n00b. He l00ked atteh mo|-|itor & sed "What does 'powned' mean?" POWNED??? WTF??? LOL!!!!111!oneoneeleven. N00b!!!!one
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 9:40, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Hmm. Bought whilst drunk...
That Shaggy album with It Wasn't Me on... erm, Hot Lunch or summat.. :(
That one drink too many - at the stage where it's taking me longer to count out my money than it is to drink the bugger.
Oh yeah and I was mainly drunk for about a year whilst going out with this lass, somehow in the middle of that we ended up buying a house. Woke up one day in sober horror... happy ending tho - I'm still alive! WOO!
Appo loggys for lidth/wength
(Thu 9th Jun 2005, 12:35, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

It truly was a great holiday
but then I came back to two consecutive kind of miserable QOTW's.
Now I'm sad. AND unhappy.
(Fri 22nd Apr 2005, 16:30, More)