b3ta.com user Vultan the real one
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Vultan was raised by Siberian wolves and that's how he developed his amazing mental abilitys and vocal technique .

While wandering through a remote Russian village he stumbled upon a dictionary and began throwing words together haphazardly. They happened to mostly make sense by mistake.

He has been invited to clean the toilets at many music festivals all over the world.

Living in North Cumbria he rarely ventures south for fear that the Scots will invade while he is away and he will miss the pagga. Besides they don't seem to like him and his rural ways in Londinium.

"London's biggest traffic problem"
Mayor of London

"Ever since he came to London my corgis
have a strange incurable rash"
Queen Elizabeth II

"He keeps putting mentions of me in his profile"
Dave the Hat

"If he keeps singing like that
he'll ruin his voice."
Tom Waits

"He said it wouldn't fit but I insisted he gave it one last push."
Lisa Riley

"If he keeps playing that fucking banjo
I'll stick it up his arse."
Most of North Cumbria

his e-mail address isn't
banjo god at banjo godlington . spam

Ten steps to great banjo playing

Lesson 1: Beat It!

The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play
too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and
special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these.
There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo:
the hit (abbreviated h in tablature), the harder hit (H), and the
beat (B). Learn these three licks, and soon you'll be able to play
anything! Remember -- Hit 'em again, hit 'em again, harder, harder!

Lesson 2: Stage Presence

A dignified stage presence will do more
than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious,
professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs--you have
a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you
should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler,
(5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into
space. The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo

Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune."
Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not
be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo:

(1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the
clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.
(2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard
surface. Continue as with method (1).
(3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.

Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature

It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes
in old-time music: the G Tune, the A Tune, the D Tune, and the C Tune.
It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound
exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form
of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper.
Avoid all tablature--you will get nowhere as a banjo player by
imitating musicians.

Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret(tm), pizza, strawberry pie, & Banjo Playing

Just say, "Why not?" [refer to page 1 and Appendix A]

Lesson 6: Playing with Musicians

Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning
banjo player. You should not be intimidated,
though, because musicians like to have a banjo player or two around.
Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by
contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming!

Lesson 7: Banjo Paraphernalia

A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune
in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key.

A case protects your banjo from abuse,
except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but
where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers?

A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to
which is responsible for the odor.

Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on
the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes
it is filtered through the kidneys first.

Lesson 8: Name That Tune

As mentioned previously,
there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is
definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this,
so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug
in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy
in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch,
Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond,
Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9: Three Myths Dispelled

Myth Number 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.
Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is
a talent for avoiding hard work.

Myth Number 2: You can make good money playing the banjo.
Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.

Myth Number 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.

Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune

h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it!


is a Giant Ant that came Back in Time from the 29th Century, shoots Laser Beams, controls Human Thought, carries a Flamethrower, and has a Terrible Roar.

Strength: 6 Agility: 4 Intelligence: 6

To see if your Giant Battle Monster can
defeat vultan, enter your name and choose an attack:

fights vultan using

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» When animals attack...

fucking stripey twats
many moons past I was blating along on my RD350 the sun making me toastey in my leathers, two weeks holiday stretched in front of me, a trip to a public house and a lovely girl in the offing. Ah yes every thing was good in the world untill a wasp flew into my helmet and stung my lips nose and eyelid repeatedly. Being a sensible sole I gentlely braked in a safe manner by hauling on both brakes as hard as possible only to have the bike smashed out from between my legs by a opal manta that was following, so now still with the stinging and the oaching I go backwards over the car. Upon comeing round the car driver was holding my head down and helmet fearing I had broken my back. A tragic comic three way fight then ensued with me shouting "musp musp" through my swolen lips, the manta driver saying "carm down and lay still till help comes, its only a bike and the wasp going stingy sting sting" Bastard stripey twat ruined my day my bike my evenings planned naughtiness, my collar bone and my dazzleing good looks till the swelling reduced and also a kindly blokes penis extension. Now we have the secrets of DNA we must now breed a super spider to eat all the wasps.
(Tue 7th Jun 2005, 10:08, More)

» Job Interviews

we are interveiwing at the moment
potential. .....and I work well in a team.
Me. Would you say you had an egregious personality?
potential. errr
Me. Are you an egregious person
potential. well I err
My boss. You wont take paulines pens will you?
Me. Hello dave?
potential. Oh right, special meat
Boss and Me. that'll do
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 10:46, More)

» Local Nutters

Frankkie the alternative major of kendal
This guy was so good someone wrote a book about him. Right his greatest moment
Frankie is outside Barkleys bank in Kendal and is watching the securicore van unloading this goes, man hits side of van, bag of money comes out, man walks off. So, frankie hits side of van, bag of money comes out, frankie runns like fuck, frankie is found half an hour latter in the bus station with a 2/3rds drunk bottle of cider and £9,998
When the queen came to visit the police used to give him a free all expensis (£2 bottle of cider) paid trip to morecambe.
He used to buy me pic and mix as well and didn't even want me to hold his willy in return. Top tramp
(Thu 16th Sep 2004, 12:33, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

shocking man warped me forever
In Preston near the train station when some Euro footy thing was on. I heard a bloke singing at the top of his voice "three cocks up my arse one of them is bleeding" to the tune of three lions on a shirt.
That little ditty has stuck with me ever since and am regually caught singing it at work!
(Fri 11th Jun 2004, 9:55, More)

» Child Labour

I operated a liver chopping machine
on YTS while industrial butchers told me YTS stood for Young Thick and Stupid before they attached chicken feet to the back of my jacket and then roared off to support the BNP on their shitty little less power than my learner bike vespas. FUCKING TORY GOVERNMENT.
(Tue 21st Feb 2006, 20:32, More)
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