» Out of my depth

How not to speak German
Went on holiday somewhere in the Mediterranean not long after sitting my O-Levels. I'm walking along the beach when a couple ask me for directions.

They were Germans. I'd just done a German O-Level. Like Clint Eastwood in "Firefox" I heard a little voice telling me to "think in German".

I can remember this magical feeling of grammatically correct German forming itself in my mind. I wasn't translating "go straight on and turn left", oh no, the *actual fricking german* was there, in my head, just waiting to be spoken.

It was an epiphany.

Until I opened my mouth. I gave them directions in English, but delivered in the worst mock-German SS commandant accent you've ever heard.

From that day to this, I've never really tried to speak another language.
(Tue 19th Oct 2004, 21:08, More)

» Stags and Hens

Weaponized Garlic
On stag night out with groom-to-be Steve and my co-conspirator Bob. He was a chemist working on anti-fouling ship paint (keeps barnacles off ships). Names changed, just in case a crime has been committed.

"Look at this" he says, as we are readying ourselves for the night ahead. He produces a rubber glove. There's an odd whiff of garlic in the air. He untwists the glove and reveals a tiny, sealed vial with a few drops of liquid in side. The smell of garlic is much stronger now.

"It's garlic oil...distilled. It's something I'm working on. Those few drops are the equivalent of a bazillion garlic cloves."

"I know, I can smell it from here", says I, for it reeks. "Open it, let's have a whiff, how bad can it be?"

"You have no. fucking. idea." says Bob. "This is like....weaponized garlic. You are going to put it on Steve tonight."

"Why can't you do it?"

"I just....can't. It would be bad", he says. After we re-enact a few scenes from Ghostbusters he has a warning for me. "One more thing: Do NOT get this on your or anyone else's skin".

So, cut to a few hours later, we're nicely beered up, and I see my opportunity. We're between pubs, Steve kneels down to tie a shoelace. I unwrap the glove. Bob starts backing away. I stoop next to Steve as if to do my shoes up. I twist open the vial.

OH SWEET JESUS I CAN SMELL IT IMMEDIATELY. IT'S LIKE I'VE OPENED THE ARK OF THE GARLIC FUCKING COVENANT. I AM BECOME DEATH!

I splash his shoes with it and run like hell.

Steve doesn't seem to notice, and continues into the next pub. Thinking I must have misfired, we follow him in.

The smell was indescribable. You didn't just sense it your nose. You could feel the stinging on your eyeballs. Steve was trying to get the next round in, oblivious. Suddenly, the music stops and a barman shouts

EVERYBODY LISTEN - WE HAVE A GAS LEAK AND WE'D LIKE EVERYONE TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY

We file out, and Steve realises he is patient zero from the wide berth everyone is giving him. He returns to the B&B, throws his clothes out the window and has the longest shower of his life.

Even though I smelt like Satan's own garlic bread, I stuck it out for the rest of the night, and a good time was had by all. Eventually.

Plus, from that day to this, I've *never* had any barnacle problems.
(Fri 31st Jan 2014, 21:21, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Posh aftershave.....for girls
When I was about 14 I was given a bottle of Obsession aftershave. I would proudly splash this all over before going to school discos, youth clubs etc.

It was a year before I realised that I didn't actually have a bottle of Obsession *for men*. I had been stinking of the ladies variety at every sodding event of my pubescent social calender.

Thanks mum.
(Fri 24th Sep 2004, 16:14, More)

» You're a moviestar baby

Superman - The Early Years
Do you remember a TV series called "Superman - The Early Years" which went out in the late 70s? I was the star. Sooooo famous. You must of heard of it?

No? Well that's because I dreamt it. You know those dreams when you wake up thinking it was all true? As I awoke I thought maybe the memories had been blocked by some traumatic experience and I lay there for a few minutes wondering what happened to the royalties.

That doesn't count, does it?
(Fri 12th Nov 2004, 20:04, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Parting gift that made it all so much better
When I was 17 my girlfriend dumped me and left a carrier bag on my doorstep, containing of all the little things I'd bought her over the past year.

It contained an extra item, a Marathon bar (that's a Snickers, kids)

The accompanying note said it was "for the inconvenience".

Bitch.
(Fri 24th Sep 2004, 16:20, More)