» Job Interviews

Bar application
I'm not sure if this is the best or worst thing I ever did, but I put "The dawning realisation I'd become everything I hate" as a reason for leaving my previous job on my application for my current job. Surprisingly, they hired me, and the topic was never mentioned.
(Thu 20th Jan 2005, 18:41, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

not really graffiti
A friend and I went stencilling a while back in Belfast, and one of the designs we sprayed was this cyberman on top of a big metal bin.

Within a week, someone had gone to some effort to clean off the text, but left the cyberman head intact. It remains there to this day.

EDIT: ooh, one I've just remembered. Back when I was at uni, our class trooped in one morning to be greeted with "I FUCKED JILL HERE" in big white letters on the blackboard. took them a few days to clean it properly too..

EDIT EDIT: And one from work toilets, two distinct styles of handwriting:

UP YOU'RE BOTTOM
That shouldn't have an apostrophe or an "E"!
TA! UP YOU'RES
(Sat 5th May 2007, 20:28, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Younger siblings..
My younger brother came out with this gem:

Him: Dave, what's a triggerhurts?
Me: A what?
Him: A triggerhurts. Like in computers.
Me: A terahertz?
Him: Yeah, one of those. Does Bill Gates have one?

Also, when teaching my $relative how to use a scanner: "What happens to the original photos, then? How do I get them back off the computer?"
(Sun 9th Jan 2005, 15:36, More)

» School fights

I don't fight much
Because I don't like to. Seems to come with the territory of being a well-raised big bastard. I have had a few brief fights, though:

In grammar, a wiry wee fucker headbutted me in the changing rooms after PE. I remember just looking down at him, then shoving him away - apparently I launched him across the room and straight into the wall.

Another very brief fight I got into was a case of mistaken identity. Some cunt moved the chair of another guy just as he sat down, so he fell over [wacky hijinxs, I tell you]. He got back up and thought I'd done it, and snapped and laid into me. He was like a fucking berserker, I barely managed to hold him off while telling him it wasn't me, and we were broken up by a teacher and got a stern talking-to. He apologised profusely immediately afterward and we were on good terms for the rest of our tenure.

The cunt who did pull the chair out was still a cunt, though. I never actually got into a fight with him, but after some nonstop taunting one day I chased him all around the gravel pitch bellowing and threatening him. I didn't have a mission of catching him [fat lol] but the look of terror on his face at the initial charge was hilarious, and the rest of the year seemed to think so too.

And finally, I got a fair beating in primary school. We were grappling, and he headbutted me a couple of times and kicked me square in the bollocks. I had a lump like a golfball, and my jewels were like coconuts for a day, but dammit if I didn't get to gob right in his mouth before I went over.

Rumours of my length have been greatly exaggerated.
(Mon 13th Mar 2006, 11:01, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

Oh, them were the days..
I used to work as a trolley gimp for Makro. Six hours out in the car park, occasionally shifting a trolley if it was in a main road or something, shooting the shit with the others. The things people left behind were odd and fun, such as a Boney M greatest hits CD, or a big huge box of Cadbury's Fingers..

Next job, petrol station. Never left the till [I was till 1, usually] so never did anything beyond ringing in goods and sassing customers. Oh, and when a friend of mine got put on the night shift in the same place, I brought my Gamecube down and we played that. And formatted some PCs for easy money.

Now, I'm in a bar, and I do repent me of my ways and actually work. Though I've started an underground skiver protest; all the smokers get fag breaks, but we non-smokers don't. So I've instigated a 'pint of water' break, where I'll go get a pint of water, and drink it in the staff room. Lovely.
(Tue 3rd May 2005, 1:51, More)