b3ta.com user GigerPunk
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Anything noteworthy or fun that I've done online has long since expired. Maybe when I come back to check this in another five years I'll have something to add but in the meantime I'm just loitering on Twitter and YouTube

Recent front page messages:

Well, I've been accused of making pictures that are too disturbing...

Might as well not do things by halves...How many b3tans is this going to traumatise then?
Fnord about anywhere?
Clicky biggy (2007x2848)

(Tue 1st Apr 2003, 21:26, More)

Can't wait for reloaded or revelations...

Ooooh, you are a one Neo!
(Mon 10th Mar 2003, 22:11, More)

For when your system goes down

No idea, I'm just too ill atm (as opposed to just sick as usual)
:edit: thanks to Rogan for subject suggestion
(Tue 1st Oct 2002, 22:36, More)

You don't have to be mad to work here...

(Mon 23rd Sep 2002, 20:46, More)

Unsuitable kiddies video?

Starring Robert Englund as Mr Baskerville and Patrick Stewart as Dr. Glossop
Sadly now unavailable from BBC video for some reason...
(Wed 18th Sep 2002, 21:22, More)

Best answers to questions:

» DIY Techno-hacks

I was about 7 or 8 and had been given a set of screwdrivers for xmas for some reason
What a silly, silly thing to do, shortly after that pretty much anything that was held together with screws and was within my reach quickly became an interesting (to my mind at least) collection of pieces that may once have formed a plug, a radio control car, dad's radio, a digital watch, who knows?
Most of the time it was miraculously reassembled again correctly afterwards. Sometimes it wasn't. This is kinda one of those times.

One day, bored, screwdrivers in hand, looking for new screws to loosen and new battery compartments to accidentally sever connections to, I happened upon a talking doll that belonged to my my older sister.
Respect for other people's property? pffft. The thought "Wonder how that works?" instantly burns its way into my mind and I proceed to unscrew said voicebox from dolls back with the single aim of sating this sudden thrist for knowledge. With the back off and the voicebox in my hand I suddenly realise its shape is uncannily similar to the panel on the underside of my talking police car...a talking police car made by the same company...talking doll...talking police car...pretty similar products...probably same basic design...same manufacturing process...they wouldn't, would they?

By jingo it's the same unit apart from the colour!

One quick swap and the doll is now immeasureably improved, spouting lines like "Calling all Z-cars, calling all z-cars", "He's got a gun! kapow! kapow!" and, rather bizarelly (for a doll), a police siren.

The Car, however, was most put out and would only say things like "You're pwiddy, am I pwiddy too?" and "take me out to play with you"

If you're a boy (or a girl, I s'pose) with a love of screwdrivers stop reading here because the sad ending now follows:

Even though it was obviously a massive improvement and my sister didn't even play with it anymore, I was made to put the right voicebox back in the doll :(

But my car was MY car to do with as I pleased so, with nothing else to entertain me now, I dismantled the voicebox further to see how it worked. It was actually a small plastic record with several tracks on, all spiralling in from the edge at once, rather than one long individual track - press the button and the spring-loaded 'needle' would end up on one of these tracks randomly.

Very interesting, I thought.

Less interesting, however, was paying proper attention to how it all fitted together BEFORE I'd opened it up further - with a *sproing* noise straight from the comics, several springs liberated themselves from the housing the moment it was fully opened, made their bid for freedom and the talking police car spoke no more after that :(

My sisters doll is still in the bottom drawer of the wardrobe and still speaks if you put batteries in it. My police car, along with many other similar toys slowly got thrown out over the years as my parents realised they were simply the empty shells of toys with none of the exciting and expensive parts still inside them...

One day I'll buy an identical doll and car off ebay and set to work on them.
(Mon 24th Aug 2009, 18:56, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

2 kids (ok they were about 17) in soft drinks aisle in Tescos
"15p? you're joking, right?"
"No, seriously, look!"
"15p for lemonade?! Wow, If I'm ever a tramp I know where I'm going to come when I'm thirsty"
(Wed 9th Jun 2004, 23:36, More)

» School Sports Day

Never do athletics wearing boxer shorts...
400 meters.
4 of us doing it.
I'm comfortably in front at the 200 meters point, mainly due to being the only non-smoker (at the time) doing it...

Just rounding the final curve for the 100 meters straight finish when my dangly bits decide they've had enough of all this jostling around whilst running malarky and decide to get some fresh air and say hello to everyone lined up along the side of the track for that last 100 meters...
"flippity floppity Hello everyone!"
Oh. Fuck.

Cue me trying to finish the race by slowing to a crawl and trying to shove my cock and balls back inside my shorts...

In the end, I crossed the line walking with my hand covering what was still poking out. Dunno if people just thought I was being a cock and showing off by walking the last 25 meters and still finishing first or just that I was showing my cock off to everyone...no-one ever mentioned anything so I guess the former...

Still, not the most enjoyable experience for a 14/15yr old boy in front of half the school.
No apologies for length, that's what caused it all in the first place.
(Mon 3rd Apr 2006, 17:30, More)

» Pure Ignorance

2 kids (ok they were about 17) in soft drinks aisle in Tescos
"15p? you're joking, right?"
"No, seriously, look!"
"15p for lemonade?! Wow, If I'm ever a tramp I know where I'm going to come when I'm thirsty"
(insert copious amounts of swearing wherever you like amongst all that, I forget exactly where it all was)
And yeah, I know I said this before on the "Stuff You've Overheard" but it's still valid

Oh, and while I remember, upon seeing 2 identical twins in town, my mum remarked thusly:
"Oh look, identical twins...but one's more identical than the other"
Never really understood that one...
(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 23:46, More)

» Best Comebacks

One lunchtime at the pub....
Don't even remember what it was about now, but myself and rest of our small section of the IT dept were all hanging round the pool table at our local and talking about something or other while playing a game.

I was disagreeing with a guy senior to me about something and neither of us were refusing to back down when he said something along the lines of "I know I'm right on this because I went to Public school"
Quick as a flash (i.e. before I'd really had time to think about it)
I heard the following words fly out of my mouth:
"Yeah, where you learnt to take it up the arse and keep quiet."

This was then followed by a few seconds of silence as what I'd said sunk in following by sniggering from the rest of the team.
I then took my shot on the pool table, constantly thinking "Did I just say that?".
I still wonder how those words came out when I'm sure I meant to say something along the lines of "What's wrong with the school I went to?" or something a little less inflammatory/insulting...
If you're reading this Stu, sorry, must've been my time of the month or summat...
I don't even drink when I'm at work either so it wasn't even booze related...
Hey ho, eh?

(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 19:20, More)
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