» Have you ever paid for sex?

sort of
When at university, I drove a taxi part-time to make ends meet. One time I was at the end of my shift and had just checked into the dispatch office to go home for the night, when my dispatcher got a "special"call for someone at a local bowling alley going on a 30 mile trip, and would I do it? Seeing my face, he offered me some "primo" bud before I went. I hardly ever smoked, but was tired, and thought, why not? So, somewhat doped and paranoid already, I pull up to the bowling alley, where there is a police car parked with its lights flashing and a group of people gathered around. Turns out my fare is a middle-aged trailer-court woman who had created a disturbance in the bowling alley and was being sent home by the police. She was obviously baked as well...
So the officer comes over to my car to explain the situation to me, all while I'm doing my best to not act loopy. But I get through it okay. Said woman gets into my car and we take off. A little ways down the road, after some creative interpretation of her ramblings, I come to the realization that she has no money to pay me and would like to settle using "other" services. At first I'm angry about this, but doped enough to reconsider. So I let her do her thing -- she obviously catches rides this way frequently. All is going well, except that I'm having trouble concentrating, maybe because i'm driving while half-baked, when suddenly she bites the fuck out of my Willy Wonka!! DAMN! Obviously this put me right off and I quickly zipped back up while she pouted. Now she was going to have to pay me for the cab fare... We visited two of her "friends" house in the middle of the night looking to borrow some money, to no avail. I could see this was going nowhere, so while she was in the second house, I absconded with a pocketbook she had left on the dashboard with some identification in it. She never realized it that night, and thought she was getting away with a free ride. Her last words before parting were "sorry, I couldn't come through for you" Ha! You bit me you wicked bint! Who the hell likes that?
The next day I get a call from her looking for her pocketbook. I explain that she has only to leave the full fare at the dispatch office, for which the dispatcher will exchange her mislaid pocketbook. She does, and that was the end of it - thank God.
But that is how I almost paid for sex.
(Fri 20th Jan 2006, 17:24, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

some edema
In one of many adolescent experimentations of most pleasurable masturbation lubricant, I used some simple soap.

Cue to 2 days later when the strange water swelling around my member has not gone away. I suspected it was the soap but found it so strange that it stay right under the skin in one specific area and create a swelling that I began to get a little scared I'd really bunged it up.

I finally broke down and asked my mother about it, thank god she didn't ask to see it. She had no answer, but didn't seem alarmed. I realized now that she must have been thinking "Oh dear, he's gotten to the incessant wanking stage".

Next day, the water ring was gone, and in its place was a lovely case of peeling, flaking and itchiness.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 16:49, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

me too
I touched a girl's boob once too. Just shows how young male hormones can be blinding... somehow I failed to notice that she was holding a golf club, having just finished up gym class.
Ay ay ay! Mis huevos!
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 16:40, More)

» Hidden Treasure

hidden treasure
Once in a middle school, some friends and I were riding motorcycles in the country and came upon an old abandoned house with holes in the floor. However, we found a large chest loaded with Playboys and Penthouse magazines from the 60's and 70's. We promptly set up the largest distribution network our school had ever seen. The joke's on us though, I remember selling a vintage Bo Derek issue to a chum for $12 -- when it's probably now worth several hundred.
(Fri 1st Jul 2005, 19:17, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

3rd grade prank
A popular prank in grade school was to place objects on someone's chair just as they were sitting down. Just uncomfortable items, mind you, paper wads, pencil cases, etc.

A friend of mine went too far one day when he held newly sharpened pencil, point upright, on the chair of a mild-mannered female classmate as she was regaining her desk.

Effectively broke off 1 cm of graphite in her right butt-pillow which required surgical removal and much psychological counseling later on in life.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 16:38, More)