» I'm going to Hell...

When Friend's Reunited...
... first started, I was a little bored at work one day and thought I’d check it out.

All was well until it dawned on me that there was no way of them checking that I actually was who I said was... Cue me thinking of probably the most obvious "cunt's trick" available.

I proceeded to log on, and attempt to join as various people I went to school with and didn’t like, generally because they were grade A sports playing, mungo-brained fuckoids who enjoyed nothing more than terrorising those people who could actually read and write and string coherent sentences together etc.

Initially thwarted by my lack of any valid email addresses to sign up with, I didn’t lose faith, and shortly my quest was back on track, complete with made up hotmail accounts for "verification" purposes, in the names of twats I used to go to school with.

I had quite a bit of fun, writing profiles for bullies and wankoids, filling their lucky ex school friends in on what they were currently up to etc.. except I wasn’t them. So lead bully had Aids, contracted from his H' riddled sister, another had taken to rimming old men for cash round Kings Cross station to fuel his addiction to completing his My Little Pony collection etc etc.

Now, none of this was "straight to hell" stuff in my book... They were cunts to me and lots of others at school, they deserved at least a little public humiliation, even if some of my "backgrounds" on them were somewhat unbelievable and a touch over the top.

But I couldn’t leave it at that. No, I had to do what I always do, I had to go further, push the boundary a bit more, too far as usual.

It's probably at this point I should mention, that one of the boys in my year had only one testicle, who was immediately and inevitably christened "Womble" by the entire year.

I proceeded to write a profile for said "testicularly challenged" classmate, not being held back by anything as pure as "the truth", or the simple fact that this lad had never done anything to anyone, and had probably borne the brunt of more wedging & insults than the rest of us put together.

For him, I wrote a lovely précis of his years since school, informing all that he was now gay and in a loving relationship with a dwarf from Tipton. However, he was suffering from a little lovers angst at present, as he had fairly recently got a prosthetic testicle fitted, to make him feel more of a man.

However, it had transpired that he was seriously considering have said "stunt-nut" removed, as his new "bum-chum" was thinking of leaving him, as he couldn’t get used to the feel of two, not one, scrotal sacks slapping against his arse cheeks during sex. Could any of his ex-classmates help him in his quandary? One nut or two?

Initially things didn’t go too well, as I almost got sacked for sitting crying with laughter at my desk at work, whilst writing my phoney friends pieces. But all was well within 24 hrs, after I’d told all the people I was still mates with from school, they'd all looked and pissed themselves, and declared me as a comic, if slightly disturbed, genius.

Almost as an afterthought, after my mates had almost forgotten my webscapade, I decided to check the email addresses I’d supplied for my “co-schoollies” website verification. I don’t think friends reunited used to vet their site entries very well back then, because my dodgy entries must have stayed up for a couple of months at the very least...

Inevitably there were one or two messages saying was I taking the piss, did so-and-so really have Aids or shag his own sister etc, but worst of all, there was a message from "womble", sent to his fake alter ego...

"I don’t who this is, but it isn’t me and that’s what matters. I suppose you think you're funny. Well, I’m not gay, do not have a "stunt-nut", and for your information I’ve just had to have my other testicle removed for reasons I am not going into...

I am a grade A cunt, and I will burn, burn, burn....



Incidentally, as a footnote, me and a mate tried doing the same thing years later, when friends reunited thought it would be a "good" idea to let you put your fond memories of your favourite teachers on their site.

We proceeded to have a few hours pissing ourselves whilst writing on one particular English teachers section.

We told all who would care to read that my mate had pissed in his kettle, which he kept in his classrooms stationary cupboard, and had subsequently watched him drink a cup of tea from it. Also how the same teacher had tried to strangle my mate to death when he’d asked him if it was okay to call him dad, as his elder brother was seeing the teachers daughter. The same daughter, who we now continued to tell all, enjoyed being taken from behind by my mate’s brother, with the teacher’s sheepskin rug on her back and four teacup saucers under her hands and knees whilst she got "shunted" round the teacher’s front room by the elder bro.

This time these stories were actually true, but were removed off Friends Reunited within 24hrs... site admin wankers...
(Sat 13th Dec 2008, 22:26, More)