b3ta.com user Beastie
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I used to do plenty of photoshopping... now I just mostly lurk...

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» Well, that taught 'em

The Student Halls Lift.... OF DOOM!
When I was living in halls, the management company there were real arseholes. Crap kitchens (only hobs, no ovens or grills), naff showers (alternated between scalding hot and ice cold every few seconds) and extortionate rent (my rent halved when I moved into a bedsit twice the size of my halls room)

Anyway, a few days before we were due to leave, myself and a few friends had drank a few student priced beers... and we decided to get our own back (without resorting to outright vandalism)

The layout of the halls was a square donut building with a light well in the middle and five floors. My room was situated on the third floor looking out into the light well... across at the lift (I could see the lift exit for all floors)

So the four of us got into the lift with my handy toolkit. The control panel was easily removed and the wires to all the buttons were connected using spade connectors. These connectors were quickly (and haphazardly) rearranged so that the wires for various floors all went to the wrong buttons.

We then retreated to my room and proceeded to drink more cheap beer whilst laughing maniacally at all the poor fools getting out of the lift on what looked like their floor (all the floors were identical). Eventually they all figured out that they were on the wrong floor... Some were smart enough to take the stairs... some weren't.

Childish? Yes
Pointless? Yes
Funny to a bunch of beered up students? Damn right!
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 12:12, More)

» Sacked

I once had a crap summer job working for British Gas...
Their flashy computer system crashed and none of us could do any work... I got bored... so I idly doodled the word 'Virus' across the screen in MS Paint.

I was fired for writing viruses.

I didn't even bother trying to argue with them... the job was just that shite.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 13:41, More)

» Petty Sabotage

I worked for Staples when I was a student. When I left (difference of opinion... bastards) I rigged one of the display PCs to play Chumbawumba every single time it was switched on. I rigged it so that if you deleted the MP3, it would replace it next time it rebooted. If you removed the mp3 player, then that would also be replaced. It wasn't amazingly complicated, but not a single person there knew sod all about computers... despite trying to sell them to the public.

Every morning when the computers were started up "I GET KNOCKED DOWN!" would blare out.

It took them a week to find a solution to this problem... which was to disconnect the speakers. Problem solved...

Until a few months later when that model was sold on to some poor unsuspecting member of the public for roughly twice what it was worth... they got a call complaining that the computer wouldn't stop playing this bloody song!

AAaahhhh... Revenge is sweet.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 12:32, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Back in 97 when I was still a student living in a manky bedsit.
Went to the pub one Friday evening... had a few drinks (for courage!) and split up with the girl I was seeing.
She didn't take it well and I walked all the way home feeling like a complete and total bastard.

Got home to find an ex girlfriend waiting for me (news travels fast!) who proceed to bonk my brains out all night long and then left about 7am...

7:02am there is a knock at the door... It's the girl I had split up with the night before (christ! they must have passed each other in the hallway!) Who announces that she still wants to be friends and there is no reason why she can't...well... bonk my already addled brains out all morning in some of the most kinky and dirty sex I've ever had. She wouldn't take no for an answer too (I tried to resist... honest!)

I'm sure I'm going to hell for that night's work... and for the on/off no strings attached bonking we had for the next five years!
(Fri 15th Sep 2006, 12:54, More)

» Airport Stories

Getting off the plane at O'Hare airport in Chicago...
Security guy was standing in the walkway with a sniffer dog.

"Ok everyone, move along... please don't pet the dog... the dog is working... at least I hope it is."

Ok, he's probably said that a thousand times, but it made me laugh.
(Tue 7th Mar 2006, 17:24, More)
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