b3ta.com user dirty gypsy
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"Everyone who visits the site can read your profile, so don't include any
personal information you wouldn't want them to read."

Well that's put me right off telling you stuff, you might kill me or something. Yes YOU with THE KNIFE IN YOUR HAND! Seriously please don't kill me mister. However if you are the cloaked stranger who breaks into my house every night to smell my hair when I'm 'sleeping' you can keep doing that. It makes me feel nice. Ahem

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» When animals attack...

When I was about 12 years old...
...my dad and I went to the zoo. Now, they did this thing where you can feed the elephants bits of carrot and so on.

Naturally obliged and so I chose my weapons, a piece of banana. Nice harmless banana. Bah. The offending elephant happily accepted his treat, smooshed it up REAL good... and sneezed.

Now, if you've ever been sneezed on by a person, you know how much comes out of a little nose. Now think huge trunk. My word.

And just to make matters worse after I comprehended what was going on, he sneezed again.

Elephants are rubbish.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 11:18, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

"Do a U-turn"
This was the instruction that puzzled my dear, ditzy friend, Suzy and her mother. It was being voiced at regular intervals by their GPS system. Suzy, and indeed I, live in Southend-on-Sea and Suzy had a job interview in Romford. For those of you unfamiliar with the geography of Essex, it's about an hour's drive away if there's traffic and you stay on an A road the whole way there.

So naturally, Suzy's mother was driving their car on a motorway. Precisely which motorway is a fact I've never been able to find out.

"Do a U-turn"

So Suzy and her mother keep going, bemused by this bizarre and outlandish instruction. After all, they were on a motorway and certainly can't have been expected to do a U turn. The GPS must be faulty.

But no, and I don't really know how to say this in the punchiest way that will get the biggest laugh so I'll tell it to you straight. Suzy's mum pulled over after... a while. Trying to get to Romford, as Suzy has told me, they ended up (and I quote)

"somewhere in Wales."
(Mon 8th May 2006, 20:02, More)

» Sacked

Dogs = gay
After university, I spent a period working as a postman for the Royal Mail while I started looking for work as an actor. Apart from the early mornings the job was pretty reasonable, but after a while the same old houses and the same old letters get a bit tedious, so you have to start to look for entertainment.

So, there was this one house with a misted glass door that you could still see through pretty clear. Every morning when I posted the letters through the door, this dog would come running out barking and tear the letters to shreads. This was, of course, a source of much hilarity, and after discussing it with my workmates I decided to play with this dog's head.

The next day I walked up the driveway as normal, tore up the letters for this house and posted them through. I then spend the next 5 minutes laughing after watching the dog run out barking as normal and stop in complete bewilderment at the sight of the now torn up paper. I messed with his head good and proper, I did!

So I do this for a few days and every time this dumb dog would be equally confused. However, after I'd got into the habit of doing this, a couple of weeks later I tore up the letters, posted them through the door. No dog. Ah. It was only as I reached the pavement that I noticed the dog, walking down the pavement on a lead with his owner.

Got sacked, blah blah, you get the deal.
(Wed 1st Mar 2006, 17:47, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

I was in Perth Australia about 3 years ago and I got talking to some Mormans...Mormen?...whatever on the street. They're always nice enough people and I'm the type to talk to strangers. I mean, what harm could Mormen do? They told me about where they were from and all that stuff and I even got my picture taken with them.

So I come back home to sunny Southend-on-Sea, the jewel of Essex. About a month or two goes by and I'm standing in the high street of my town with a few mates. Sudden;y, one of my friends looks over my shoulder in a rather puzzled manner.

"Who are they?" he says, and I look over my shoulder as well. I recognise their little badges and I say,

"Oh, they're just some M...orm..."

As I spoke, my blood ran cold. It was the same set of mormans. The exact same people as I had met in Perth Australia on the other side of the planet. They must've redflagged me. Out to get me!

I ran. Very fast. Away.
(Thu 26th Jan 2006, 18:28, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Should a child be saying this?
A friend's niece who was about 4 at the time walks up to her mum and gets her attention.

NIECE: "Mum! Can we have a buggery?"

MOTHER: "What?! Where did you learn that word?!

NIECE: "I mean like a wormery except with bugs."

True story.
(Tue 11th Jan 2005, 19:36, More)
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