» Scary Neighbours

When I was about 12
our nextdoor neighbour, Jean, was an extremely big lady, with long greasy hair and a mole the size of an eyeball on her forehead.
Now, one day my mum goes over to hers for a cup of coffee, to find her opening the door in a flimsy green evening dress and a plastic tiara on her haid, claiming she's a princess. When they go in, mum sees that the floor is covered with broken glasses and beerbottles, the neighbours one year old doughter crawling about naked.

So, what to do?
Mum tries to make up an excuse to take the toddler with her, but Jean won't have any of that. She then decides to call an ambulance to get her psychiatric help. So she comes over to me, and tells me to stay home and not to open the door. When she goes out the door and gets on her bike (to ride to a phonebooth), Jean is already waiting for her. She figured out what my mum was up to and was not happy. As I looked out of the window, I could see my mum speeding away on her crappy bike, being chased by this big ugly lady in evening dress, with a plastic tiara on her head, hitting my mother with a broomstick. By the time my mum came back, Jean had barricaded her front door and had thrown all of her bedroom furniture through the upstairs window. She was holding her toddler out of the window -Michael Jackson stylee- threatening to let her fall down if anyone tried to enter her house. Oh how we laughed.
(Thu 25th Aug 2005, 22:19, More)

» My Worst Vomit

When I was 18
I rented a place with two friends of mine. One night all of us where out partying late and brought home a mate who was too drunk to get home by himself. He slept in our living room. When I laid in my bed for about an hour, I started hearing loud noises from the living room, things where obviously falling over and being destroyed, but -being pissed ourselves- none of us bothered to check out what the fuck was happening. After more than an hour of hell happening right under my bed, our mate stumbled trough my room, into the bathroom. When I heard him fall over, I got up and went to see if he wasn't drowning himself. He laid there in the bath, with all his clothes on, in VERY hot water. His smell made me vomit myself, so after I cleaned both of us up, I went to see what had happened.
Now this is very difficult to describe, but I'll do my best. He had vomitted, pissed AND shitted all over our living room; then had launched himself and slid through it on his belly, several times. He had used the brownreddish mixture to make an abstract painting on our wall. He had taken a dump in a bag with clothes and on our couch. The stuff was on the windows, electrical sockets, the tabel, the stereo,... You name it and it was covered in shit, piss and vomit.
Of course everybody who even remotely knows the guy gets to hear this story, even to this day we tell it enhousiasticly to new people we meet. Now it's even on the net.
Serves him right, messin' up my living room.
(Mon 23rd Aug 2004, 17:46, More)