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» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

ugly kid battleships
im a teacher and until recently part of my job involved invigilating exams. deathly dull work until we brightened it up with ugly kid battle ships. each seat had a reference number, and myself and the two or three other staff would stroll around writing down the numbers of where we thought the 8 ugliest kids sat. we would then meet and try to guess each others numbers. Endless variations - smelly kid, geeky kid etc. We also played slow pacman, one would be pacman and the others were ghosts and we had to chase around the exam hall at slow envigilator speed, if the ghosts got to a corner spot the tide was turned for 5 mins.
There was also a chap who brought a game with him from another school but i could never play it, it was just too cruel. Idea was that you sent ugliest/smelliest/stupidist/geekiest kid from your class to another teacher with any random piece of work, and that teacher would say ..ooh tell him thats a 7 out of 10 and send them back, not realising that they had infact just been graded on the pre-agreed category. That teacher would then send their best challenger to you with another bit of random work so that you could grade them.in theory you could carry on all day. never had the heart for that one though
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 20:08, More)

» My sex misconceptions

not me but.......
when i was teaching a very bright year 10 class about digestion one boy looked horrified and raised his hand, he asked how the foetus could possibly survive in the acidic environment of the stomach. when all the jokes about how you could concieve in the stomach died down and i saw that he was serious i explained to him (aghast that he's so far missed this in his education) how the foetus is in the womb and not the ladys tummy :)
again he is confused, how can there be space for the baby with the intestines all shoved in there so tightly....i explained that as the foetus and womb grew the intestines got shoved up a bit, a look of recognition and general twigging on passed over his face and he said, all full of confidence in his new knowledge, ah, so thats why pregnant womens breasts get bigger, they're full of intestines.....at this point i had to leave the room and couldn't return for a good ten minutes, to find him looking very red in the face after his classmates had finished his education for him.
(Fri 26th Sep 2008, 0:16, More)

» Pure Ignorance

the joys of teaching....
teaching year10 gcse biology, talking the class through the structure of the digestive system. when explaining the features of the stomach, one lad looked very puzzled, and after a while asked how the baby survived in there...when i realised he wasn't joking, i had to explain that babies don't form in the stomach, but in the womb, he then asked what happened to all the intestines as the womb expanded, so i explained how they were all pushed upwards a bit, a look of wonderful enlightenment came over his face as it all ckicked, and he joyously proclaimed "thats why womens breasts grow when they're pregnant then" sadly, he was deadly serious. (he failed by the way)
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 1:01, More)

» My first love

no one liked me at school...
was, ugly ,freaky geeky kid...zero interest from girls for first few years at school (except as object of ridicule). So imagine my delight and amazement when one Christmas (must have been about 14) a seccession of popular and (generally considered) gorgeous girls kept collaring me for Christmas kisses. was over the moon, until in a history lesson i saw a couple of them comparing notes in the back of their books. They were running a 'snog a dog' competition, points scored for snogging the mingingest lads in the year, i was the second highest scorer, and had provided them both with ample pointage. actually, this isn't really first love at all, more first destruction of self worth and birth of self loathing....ah well....close enough :)
(Mon 24th Oct 2005, 16:01, More)

» Personal Hygiene

foolish rat snogging
A long time ago i had a pet rat, she lived on me and would go everywhere with me. She developed a cute trick of clinging onto my bottom lip and licking my teeth. I thought this was fun and very sweet until one day my entire mouth turned into a confluent mass of weeping ulcers - so bad that it hurt to breathe, never mind eat or drink. Smelt rank too. Lasted for a week or so and the doctor laughed me out of his surgery when i told him that i thought it was from my rat.

Also, i am a growed up teacher now and we used to have a kid who would shit himself on purpose becuase he 'liked the way it squsihed'. We had to rearrange all seating plans so he was sat as much by himself as possible and he had a special chair that no other children would use. THis is secondary school btw, he was 14.
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 22:46, More)
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