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Profile for sumo_san:
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Sad man with too much time on his hands.
Should be doing something more worthwhile.

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» Pure Ignorance

Mums eh?
My mum God bless her

On perusing the Newshopper.
Mum:"That Fire Engine must be really busy it goes round schools all over the country"
Us: "What Fire Engine?"
Mum: "You know 'Dennis'"

Mum: "Can you run me to MI5 to look at wardrobes"

As an in-joke Birds Eye 'Beef Slice's in Gravy' in our house were known as beef curtains, she had no idea.
All fine until a GF was brought home one Sunday.
Mum: "I'm sorry it's not more elaborate, I've only got Beef Curtains for dinner"
Much beer was ejected from noses.

Sister in Law : "That's a lovely house , but why do they need such a big garage"
Brother: " That's Sidcup Fire Station dear"
(Sun 9th Jan 2005, 18:41, More)

» My Worst Date

Meat is Murder
Many years ago, I was trying to impress a girl who I’d only had drinks with before, but really liked. So I invited her out to dinner, being flash I took her to my favourite restaurant ‘Rules’ in Covent Garden, the game restaurant, all things shot, hooked, stabbed & strangled.

She went a bit quiet as we walked in; I thought it was the very nice surroundings. (She was a bit of a ‘Harvester’ type girl). They brought the menus, still silence.
The waiter came and she asked me to order first. Thinking she was overawed by the menu without prawn cocktail, steak & Black Forest Gateaux. I said I’d have the sautéed pate de fois gras followed by the wild Roe Deer, rare.

She then screamed at me “I’m a vegetarian, you bastard, you can’t eat Bambi!”
Before running out into the night.
Judging that there could be no future between us without Bacon Sandwiches I stayed where I was. The waiter discreetly removed the 2nd place setting and I had a lovely meal.
(Sat 23rd Oct 2004, 22:19, More)

» Pure Ignorance

My Mum again
a long time ago Mum declared that she was going to paint the front door and that she was off to Fads for some 'Nigger Brown' paint.
After clearing up spilt tea & biscuit crumbs we explained to her that it can't be called that anymore.
After hearing us use the phrase, she declared that this was "Political Correctness gone mad".
"No" Mum we said "It's actually very correct" finally convincing her that this was not a nice word anymore.
So we check the colour chart and the colour she wants is now "Conker Brown".

Off we go to Fads.
Mum walks up to assistant of Afro-Caribbean persuasion.
Mum: "I'd like some "Conker Brown paint please"
Assistant: "Conker Brown?"
Mum: " Yes, you know, the one that used to be 'Nigger Brown'"

(Wed 12th Jan 2005, 17:43, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Americans again
On a trip to Dublin , I was viewing the 'Book of Kells'
When your typical Yank tourist women pipes up to her tour guide (who has already done his schpiel).

Yank: " So is it a Protestant or Catholic Gospel"

Guide: " Well it was written around 800AD, before the reformation and the split from Rome, so I guess you could just call it a Christian Gospel"
Yank (miffed now) : "Yes, but is that Protestant Christian or Catholic Christian"

In the mean time all her stupid friends were taking flash photographs of the manuscript, despite being told not to. With the excuse that the camera just does it on it's own.
(Wed 12th Jan 2005, 17:35, More)

» Pure Ignorance

an old boss

"What's the address of that restaurant '91 Park Lane'?"

Also in a bar.

Me: Could I have 40 Benson's please?

Barmaid: We don't sell cigarettes behind the bar,
we have a machine over there, but I think it only does 20's "
(Tue 11th Jan 2005, 16:18, More)
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