» * PFFT *

Oceanic Sealife
I had to go to Cornwall once with some of my family for a funeral. It was my dad, my brother, his fiancee and their baby, and myself. We travelled in my dads motorhome but as my brother had the nipper with him, he got to sleep in it, whilst my dad and myself were regected to sleeping in a tent, in a field, with loads of drunk Welsh students.

I couldn't sleep much that night, so I decided to just lie there and listen to the shit that the students were going on about, some of it was pretty funny and I had to try not to laugh, otherwise I would be sussed out. All of this while my dad was snoring his head off like a growling bear.

Then the snoring stopped, my dad shuffled about and let out a huge fart. It was one of those really deep bowel farts and kind of echoes inside your body.

The students went silent, then one said..

"What the fuck was that? It sounded like a fucking whale!"

Damn it was difficult not laughing too loudly!

I made sure that my dad knew about this in the morning.
(Wed 18th Jul 2007, 9:46, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

The biggest bastard
that I ever worked with, wasn't actually that big at all, he was quite a short guy from Sunderland named Roy.

I first met the guy when I started working for a small, extremely cowboyish, audio visual company in Kent. He was only there for about the first 3 months of me being there before he ran off to a competitor company, just north of London. He was always a laugh to be around and I looked up to him for his programming expertise.

When he left, it was common knowledge with the staff that he had walked off with quite a substantial stash of the companies property, this included untold cables, connectors, converters, miscellaneous control systems hardware, and even a Barco CRT projector, which when new, would have cost in the region of £40k. We didn't give a shit about this as we hated working there, and were all jelous of his new job.

One day, me and the other remaining member of staff, met up with Roy at a local boozer. He came with a job offer for me, which shocked the hell out of me, considering Roy knew nothing about my skill level and history as a developer. Anyway, a couple of months passed and I was finally working with him, in a fantastic new office, with quality equipment and prospects for a brighter future... at least that's what most jobs start like isn't it?

I worked with him for a year in total, and it was just one huge, slippery slope. It turned out that Roy had been abusing his new position more than any of us had imagined, so much so that he was using his company credit card for personal use, even buying his weekly shopping with it. He also had his driving license revoked for being caught doing over 100mph, in his COMPANY car. His level of work diminished to practically 0, as he assumed the position of bosses brown nosed pet, who seemed to be completely unscathed by the fact that Roy had royally fucked him over. My level of work increased 10 fold, and by the time I reached my first year, I was spending over 6 hours a day travelling and spending over £700 a month for this priviledge; as I still lived in Kent. I only earnt £1k at the time so as you can imagine, it wasn't ideal! Roys work load on the other hand, consisted mainly of arguing with his girlfriend via mobile and taking copious amounts of "tab breaks".

I grabbed as much knowledge as I could off of Roy before slowly fading away, firstly becoming contracted to do odd work here and there, which I wasn't completely paid for, and then finally going AWOL to where I currently reside with the company laptop that I had. I thought this was fair considering the money I was owed. I also thought that Roy would understand and let me be... I must also mention that I had to move due to unforseen family circumstances, it wasn't pre-meditated.

Oh fucking no chance of that! He discovered my personal website within 6 months of me leaving and then bombarded the people on my guest book (including my 80 year old Granddad) with emails laced with so much bullshit that they seemed almost fairy tale like. He hated me with a passion for abandoning him like that (meaning he had to start doing some work again), so much so that he then started trying to get the laptop off of me whilst threatening me with police action!!

So myself, and a load of people let the bastard get away with theiving in excess of £100k worth of equipment from some tashed twat in Kent, and he takes it upon himself to fuck me over for keeping hold of a laptop due to unpaid fees.

Utter, utter, cunt!
(Tue 29th Jan 2008, 10:04, More)

» Phobias

Chatting to attractive girls
I'm sure allot of people have this phobia. Don't get me wrong of course, I really want to chat to attractive girls, I just can't do it for toffee unless i'm drunk, then I just come across as a drunk twat, rather than just a twat.

I kind of automatically picture myself making a twat of myself and then getting that look of "rejection", like the "get to fuck you strange person" look, you know the one?? Please say yes! (even if just to humour me).

I generally do end up with that look as I loose myself and never really know what to say, very sad indeed and something that I should hurry the fuck up and grow out of!!
(Mon 14th Apr 2008, 15:16, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

I've worked with allot
of real "characters", to put it nicely.

Once I worked with a bunch of from Sunderland, me being born and raised in Kent we couldn't have been much more different, so it was quite a laugh working with them.

One guy was nick named Moon, due to his last name being Moonie. He was a proper northern chav, the sort of guy to wear blue levis, white Reebok classics and a Lacoste polo shirt. Anyway, we worked in St Albans so I had a fair old treck to get into the office, being given a lift by another weird bastard, but in comparrison to the Moonster, he was pretty normal.

Moon started off working quite well, trying to impress and all that, but it only took a few weeks for him to start nipping off home at lunch time to have a smoke on his bong before coming back into the office stoned. One day the boss had enough, he noticed Moon asleep at his desk and started laying into him. The boss wasn't completely stupid, which was great, because an old granny would have been able to notice that he was stoned. What did he say in his defence?

"The simple fact is, if you had told me not to come into the office stoned, I wouldn't have."

Thus and so, "The simple fact is" became his catch phrase. We would all use it to death every time we talked to him and he would not even notice, even if we were in fits of laughter.

Other simple Moon facts,

"The simple fact is, if you had told me to cover your plasma screen, I wouldn't have filled it with plaster while drilling a hole above it."

"The simple fact is, I'm gonna wrap that fucking pair of steps round your neck in a minute."

You gotta give it to him though, they were simple facts!

And just to proove how simple he was/is, one night I downloaded around 50 sounds with the word "Moon" in the title, and played them all day long whilst in the office. He just sang along quite happily...



Edit: Aahh! I almost forgot! One night we all went off to the pub and ended up leaving Moon there, he was going to meet us back at another collegaues where we were staying. What happened to him on his way home? Well "apparently", some guy came running out of nowhere and just jumped into a shop window, tearing himself to shreads.

"Simple fact is", Moon didn't throw him through the window in a drunken rage.
(Sun 27th Jan 2008, 20:18, More)

» Crazy Relatives

That's where you're wrong Friz
;-)
(Mon 9th Jul 2007, 15:17, More)