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» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Dad had died... his coffin was brought back to the house...
... so people could pay their last respects.

During the last weeks as he was sedated before dying, visitors were refused access to preserve both his dignity and his memory. It seemed only fair that his friends and further family could visit him at home for one final farewell.

Picture the scene. The close family are gathered around the coffin in the dining room. My brother-in-law tactfully softened the lighting ready for the candles to be brought out.

No-one could say anything. Eventually my brother found the courage to ask "do you think he's up there looking down on us?" a tremble in his voice.

Tears welled in my eyes. My sister remained silent. All eyes turned to the coffin.

And then... amazingly... the lights became incredibly, fiercely bright. In a split second the room was then pitched into absolute darkness.


Then the lights slowly returned to their previous softness.

Mum hopefully looked up to the heavens for another impossible sign from my dear, deceased father... as my brother-in-law, with real fear in his voice announced:

"Sorry everyone... I just leant on the dimmer switch."

Still laughing with him about that a couple of years later. Truly worthy of Frank Spencer.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 15:48, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Tom Baker - HMV Oxford Street - Signing City of Death DVD

The "Tom's putting it in" legend is scary enough. Meeting the man proved even scarier for the girl in front of me...

... he immediately placed his incredibly large hand on hers and held her in place.

Tom Baker: Hello my dear.

Girl: Hello.

Tom Baker: And who should I sign this for?

Girl: Simon.

Tom Baker: Ah... yes... and how are you, Simon?

Girl: I'm not Simon.

Tom Baker: (Annoyed) You're not Simon?

Girl: No.

Tom Baker: (Angry) Where the hell is Simon?

Girl: (Terrified) He's at work. He couldn't get time off.

Tom Baker: My dear, I'd never have signed the fucking thing if I'd known you weren't Simon.

A long silence ensues... and then he beams that insane smile of his.

Tom Baker: I'm only joking, my dear!

He lets go of her hand, she grabs the DVD and legs it out of the store as fast as possible.

Now it's my turn. Get an autograph. Tom Baker is laughing his arse off at his own prank.

Tom Baker: Oh I do hope he loves her for this.

Tom Baker, The Man, The Myth... The Madman
(Fri 26th May 2006, 11:11, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Naively thinking the phrase "To Lick Out" referred to French Kissing...
... tongues, you see... I nearly caused a fatal family car crash by bragging to my Dad, Mum, Brother, Sister and Grandma "that Mandy in Maths, I'd well lick her out."

One sudden screech of wheels, scream from Mum, Sis and Nana, burning smell from brakes and stunned silence later I was asked.

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

I was eleven years old. Twenty years later I realise fully what I'd said to them and no, we have never discussed the matter again.
(Sat 21st Jul 2007, 22:34, More)

» Faking it

Voice Of God
I crashed over at my best friend's flat after a night of heavy drinking and discussing whether or not he should do something immoral with a young lady given the chance.

He got up and went to work.

I called his ansaphone using my mobile phone very, very close to the speaker of the ansaphone.

Feedback a-go-go as I put on a Brian Blessed voice and said "hello, this is God. Now. Don't do it. You'll go to hell."

A day later I got a worried phone call.

"Mate, that WAS you... wasn't it?"

If only I could crash out at the Vatican.
(Fri 11th Jul 2008, 0:33, More)

» Scary Neighbours

Rather vain Uncle Ken had a 'keeping up with the Joneses' type rivalry...
... which culminated with his evil neighbour throwing a bucket of mud over his shiny new car. Uncle Ken then stormed around, knocked on the door and - instead of the intended thumping - said "I know why you're doing this. You're jealous. My car's beautiful... my daughter's beautiful... my wife's beautiful... .. and yours are f**king ugly."
(Tue 30th Aug 2005, 10:18, More)
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