b3ta.com user Hammer Time
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» Body Mods

I'm pretty hairy, and it's interesting the reactions people have when they see my hairy little belly; funnily enough most people go "Oh my god, you're so hairy", as if I hadn't noticed.

Anyway, I decided to do a little social experiment when I was 16 and judge people's reactions. Basically I shaved "Merry Xmas" into my belly hair.

The result? In 2 short hours, a school of 2000 students were all asking to see it, even the teachers. Never again, it itched like fuck and people renamed me "Hairy Weirdo".

I'd quite like to do it again now tho, so I'm open to requests. Perhaps I should shave "Boo!" into it and see if I can scare people? If anyone's got any funny ideas I'll do it and document the results.
(Mon 4th Dec 2006, 16:30, More)

» DIY fashion

All Dressed Up...
Last year me and my mate were "so poor we were sharing genes" and had had one of those weeks where come the weekend, you desperately need to get as drunk as possible, as cheap as possible. We set off into the nearby town, wondering how we could get drunk when all we had between us was about £5.27. As if by magic, we saw a a shitty little off-licence-come-newsagent. Our spirits (wahey) lifting slightly, we entered, and saw that they were hurredly selling off massively out-of-date cava. Not just that, but they were also flogging those thin Cafe Creme cigars that had big warning signs on them in Greek.

Putting two and two together, we went home with our cheap stash of booze and tobacco and put on some old tuxedos I had got as hand-me-downs years ago - and I mean the works; yellowing pleated shirts, bow ties, cufflinks, the lot. We even polished our shoes. We then proceeded to sit in front of the tv, quaffing this stale, flat wine and smoking crumbly cigars, stopping only to bark things at each other like:

"When is this BLADDY limosine going to get here, anyway? I'm not waiting all night, what what what"

"Look at that fine strumpet, I'd give her what-for"

"I'm glad they don't let women into the 19th hole of MY golf club, I tell you that, ho ho ho"

We looked like two dirty old men, and by the following morning, smelled like that too. At the time, I honestly thought we looked the cats pyjamas, but thinking back now, only a year later, I realised we're just a couple of cunts, really.
(Fri 25th Aug 2006, 20:06, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Not mine, but Ross Noble's...
Laughed my head off when I heard this. He claims the best bit of graffiti ever was in a copy of the Bible he had found. Some wit had written on the front page,

"All the best. Love God."

(Sun 6th May 2007, 16:38, More)

» You're a moviestar baby

And that's why Jamie Theakston's a cunt....
A few years back, as most people will no doubt remember, Jamie Theakston used to do The Priory with Zoe Ball. He used to do a spoof of Jim'll Fix It called Jamie Will Make The Necessary Arrangements, and he used this opportunity to twat about in a large chair, and allow the nation to hate him. Then he'd give an email address where people could email in with stuff they wanted Jamie to make possible.

One particular episode, he'd brought a toy along - a button which played Tim Westwood quotes (Westwood being that week's guest). Cue much twatting about, "drop the bomb" repetition and laughing at his own 'wit'. I thought I'd email the fucker even tho I was just 15 and ask if he could make the necessary arrangements for me to boot him up the arse.

And guess what? Even tho it was a joke, the producers at Ginger loved it, and emailed me back, telling me they wanted to film me booting him up the arse. I went round the whole of school telling everyone I was going down to London that night to be on The Priory - I was the man. Then I got a phone call from the guy at Ginger - and I quote - Jamie didn't want to look like a twat on TV. I pointed out he already did, and the fellah agreed with me but said sorry, I'm not going to be on TV after all.

I emailed in every week after that, repeatedly telling Jamie I wanted to boot him up the arse, but they never replied. And if it ever comes back on the air, I'll keep emailing in. That'll show the cunt. Even his production team hated him.

Sorry for length!
(Wed 17th Nov 2004, 15:30, More)

» Personal Hygiene

You filthy bastard
When I was about 12, I went on a ski trip with school. Most of the kids were revelling in the freedom you get when you go on holiday with school and starting trying to smuggle booze and porn into their rooms. After like 2 whole beers us youngsters were feeling a bit smashed and started talking about wanking (as you do). Then came the question "Has anyone actually spunked?"

Of course, this is a tricky question, where you don't want to be the first to answer. If you haven't, are you weirdly under-developed? If you have, isn't it pretty gross?

Not for one lad. Even tho he hadn't developed a pre-pubescent moustache yet, he proudly exclaimed that he "had 'spunked', loads of times, and can prove it".

He then whipped out a tub of hairgel from his suitcase. Only it wasn't full of hairgel. It was full of man-gel. He had been collecting his semen for months. This earnt him the nickname "Mary" after the scene in "There's Something About Mary" where she uses spongle for gel.

Every time I eat a boiled egg nowadays and the eggwhite is still a bit runny, my stomach turns.
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 14:37, More)
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