» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Why bother?
The armed forces never appealed to me. If I wanted to die or have things stuffed up my arse I would just go to Michael Barrymore's house.
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 14:52, More)

» Intense Friendships

Too much info...
I once developed a friendship with a girl at work; we used to occasionally have lunch together or chats over the watercooler, very pleasant but would often end up with her telling me about what she 'did' with her boyfriend. Of course anyone talking about sex is interesting but her confessions got more and more extreme until she told me that - whilst they were engaged in anal sex - she suggested to him that he might like to watch her having sex with me. And after some discussion and fantasising he agreed.

Now this may seem like a good thing but:

1. She was an absolute munter.
2. He was a vicious bastard who had been done for beating some poor lad to a pulp.

When she told me I panicked with the fear of having to decline and stated that I was in a relationship with another girl that worked with us. (I wasn't.)

All was fine until two weeks later when my 'imaginary girlfriend' approached me in a rather irate manner to find out why she was invited to go for a foursome with psycho couple as my partner.

Luckily I got fired a few days later.
(Wed 2nd Aug 2006, 12:20, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Hallelujah!
'Jesus is Just' sprayed on the pub toilet wall - to which someone added 'a cute jewboy in a loincloth'.

The genius is that it can offend so many people at once.
(Wed 9th May 2007, 13:16, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

Royal Minge.
My mate Richard worked as customer service manager at a top notch hotel where the Queen and her posse were staying (he made sure the trouser press worked and that there was a mini pack of digestives on the tea-making tray - or something like that.) After she left, him and a colleague were inspecting the room to see if they had left any valuables behind. Nothing.
But lo - there on the toilet seat was a solitary pube!
The vision of them kneeling down either side of the crapper, staring at a lone piece of muff minge discussing how to advertise it on ebay will stay with me forever
(Sun 6th Aug 2006, 16:59, More)

» Teenage Parties

Streams of Whiskey
After a whiskey fueled 18 year olds party fizzled out and everyone fell asleep in piles on the floor, I was woken by by friend dragging what looked like a dead body into the 'off limits parents bedroom'. I stood up despite the room spinning like a waltzer to find out what had happened.
On entering the room the smell hit me, there was vomit and shit all over the bed, the contents of the drawers were on the floor and the light shade was in tatters.
'What happened?' I asked him.
'I think I was a bit pissed and had an accident.' came the obvious reply.
'So who is the dead boy?'
'Oh he's not dead - he's just hammered. I thought if I dragged him in here, laid him on the bed and wiped puke on his face he would think he did it and clean it up.'
It did work. And worked on many occasions after this party too.
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 12:45, More)