b3ta.com user Normanator
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I'm totally fucked.

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» Intense Friendships

Cock tape
I knew two guys at my school who sellotaped their cocks together at the end. THAT'S JUST WRONG!!!
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 13:27, More)

» When I met the parents

My inlaws - great
Met my inlaws for 1st time 6 weeks after meeting Mrs N. It was 5 years ago & her dad's 50th birthday and we went to their house for the weekend. 1st thing dad-in-law does is hand me a beer and ask where I'm from. Glasgow is the answer and things (inevitably given the answer) move onto football. I bluntly answer that I think footy is shite and I'm a rugby player, releived sighs all round (most of family love rugby) and I'm accepted almost immediately. Basically fitted in brilliant. Her sister loves me, mer mum loves me, her dad thinks I'm a good laugh. But they all think I smell and the reason is this: I love most English beers, but it makes me do really smelly farts. And as I spend almost all my time at the inlaws drinking English beer with dad-in-law, I have therefore polluted their house irreperably. Anyway 1 evening about 3 years after, around when we announced our engagement, we are headng off to this pub, all 4 of us and an old family friend of theirs. We walk past a neighbours house and they come out to say hello. I meanwhile am busting for a shite and really need to finish the short walk to the pub. Conversation ensues and many questions are asked of me, which I reply. Only suddenly and without warning and mid-sentence, I float a rather fruty air-biscuit. Lady-neighbour yells "Who dropped their guts?" in a broad West-Country twang at the top of her lungs. The smell, and remember this was outside in the fresh air, was horrific, like a mix of tar, bovril and slurry, and it lingered. I actually thought I might have shat myself. In a blind panic and addled by the stench, I tried to blame the family friend, but by this time, everyone is pissing themselves, except me who is almost in tears of embarrassment. Now whenever a fart is done, I get the blame.

Also, during same 1st meeting, I had to go with her dad the following day to collect a motorbike. Mrs N made a big deal of saying that as I am from where I am and like to swear as rudely and flagrantly as often as poss, that i should refrain from swearing in front of the parents. So off we go to collect the bike and on the way I am treated to a tale about what a cunt the motorbike guys is. Big weight off my shoulders and on the way there and back again, every second word from is both os of either of the C or the F variety.

Luckily, I have never had to apologise to them for length or girth of the combination of both hurting Mrs N, so I won't do it now either.
(Fri 20th May 2005, 11:09, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Rugby cock trauma
ON one particularly drunken rugby tour I was on some years ago, a guy from the opposition started the drinking games with the traditional "against the clock" downing pints shenanigans. This had a twist however as he proceeded to whip out his chap, produced a box of matches and poked a match into his japs eye, just a little way in mind. On the count of three, he would start downing the pint and at the same time his teammate lit the match and he had to down the pint before he burnt his helmet. He lost. And you could hear his screams from several counties away. The thought of the blackedned helmet makes me clench to this very day.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 13:33, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

I love tits. Love 'em. In any context you want. I. Love. Tits.

And fannies.
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 21:10, More)

» Misunderstood

Belgians don't get UK slang
We live in Belgium and that always leads to some funny ones. My Mrs was out with her work chums a few weeks back and was explaining that she fancied getting really really pissed. So she says, "I'm going to get absolutely off my tits tonight." Cue male colleagues of hers trying not to look at her tits and female colleagues all trying to look sympathetic and sying things like, "Nooo, you look lovely", "Try a different bra" and "They're bigger than mine..."
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 7:50, More)
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