» Neighbours

Neighbour copping an eyeful
My next door neighbour is a bald, fat, annoying son of bitch who enjoys nothing more than being fat, bald and annoying. His wife, however, is quite fit.

A little while back I decided to do some press-ups on the floor of my room (needless to say it almost killed my wimpy body, but nevertheless) and , once I'd finished I stood up in front of my window to admire the guns ten seconds of trying to move up and down had produced in the reflection. My curtains were open, I was in only my undies and I idly looked down next door's garden to see fit wifey, fag in one hand and glass of red in the other, copping an eyeful. Even after our eyes had met briefly she failed to look away, eventually doing the 'I've forgotten something that I left inside' mime and disappearing back into the house.

Needless to say I felt awkward, violated and slightly aroused. Press-ups in the nip every morning now :)
(Thu 1st Oct 2009, 13:22, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Housemate vs groyne...no, not that kind
the kind of groyne that lines beaches to stop....well, I don't know what they stop and I can't be arsed to look on Wikipedia to find out. Anywho, at a beach in sunny B'mouth myself, my gf-at-the-time Liz,housemate Gareth and housemate Mark went for a spot of frisbee. Mark fancied Liz a fair bit, but being a touch socially retarded couldn't think of anyway to impress her other then leaping onto a groyne post which protruded about 4 feet out of the beach.

After successfully attempting this feat once, Mark was feeling a bit proud of himself. Myself, Gareth and even Liz then managed to show his below-par frisbee skills up putting him in a distant third (or possibly even fourth) in the manliness stakes, meaning he somehow had to manage to re-impress Liz (which incidentally didn't work the first time, but I digress).

So Mark spots the groyne, know full well my balance is worse than a three legged....thing and Gareth is far too lazy to attempt it. So with me, the G and Liz looking on, Mark once more leaps onto the groyne. Only the seawater had lapped over said groyne making it slippery and....groin met groyne in spectacular fashion. Think an upside down y shape. With his plums dead centre. Ouch.

As with any nutsack-related injury Gareth and I, as fellow men, did what all good mates should and pissed ourself laughing. Liz tried to help Mark up from his fetal position, but also collapsed in fits. So poor old Mark had to wander back to the car, clutching his lowers trying to tell us it 'didn't hurt'. Yeah, riiiiiiight....
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 20:22, More)

» Darwin Awards

high speed ground/face combo
Last year, on the week before my birthday, a mate and I decided we'd go along on a mountain bike ride with a few guys from the local bike shop. Thinking I was a bit special with my £600 hardtail I tried to keep up with the mentalists on their £5,000 full sus monsters and failed miserably.

After feeling like a right plank who should still have his stabilisers on for the first couple of hours the trail got far easier, and we eventually got to the crest of a hill I had travelled down at speed the weekend before. Trying to show off my supposed skills I bombed down, stood up and leaning forward trying to get as much pace a possible. The hill was pretty rutted though, and it was dark, so when the inevitable unexpected jump was hit I slammed down hard on the brakes.

Being that I was in mid-air at the time, and my disc brakes had recently been serviced the bike stopped dead when I landed. I, unfortunately, did not and with my arms by my side I had no way of breaking my fall and so collided chest-first with the deck. Ouch.

Not wanting to seem like any more of the plonker I already was I jumped straight back on the bike and cycled back to the ferry, still in the dark, minus a front light. It was only when I couldn't breathe the suggestion was made that I should head to Casualty, where I discovered I'd broken a few ribs.

So the next week was spent on Codine, not drinking or generally doing anything fun on my birthday due to my own stupidity. My ribs still hurt to this day, almost whispering 'you twat' in my brain.
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 13:46, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Leaping arse landings Batman!
Down in Dorset there's the epic Corfe Castle, which used to be a castle but is now a well organized collection of rubble. Myself, my mate Baz, my sister and her bf went there for a day out because, frankly, we had f all better to do.

My sister and her fella occupied themselves by trying to ditch us and have a canoodle when we weren't about, Baz and I occupied ourselves by stalking them and leaping out at inopportune moments. Needless to say they got annoyed a lot faster than we did, and proceeded to bugger off.

Being the annoying little buggers we were, and being slightly worried we'd been so annoying that they might drive off and leave us there, Baz and I resolved to hurtle back to the car in as rapid a fashion as possible.

So sister and bf walking down steep walkway, Baz and I leaping down the banks that run parallel, occasionally looking across to check we were ahead. At one of these such moments after leaping down a couple of banks with abandon I looked across and leapt blindly over what I thought was a slight drop. Nope, try about ten feet.

I landed on the wet grass and proceeded to slide, on my arse, to the bottom. Still, I beat my sister and the bf to the bottom of the hill. Mostly because they were laughing so much. Bugger.
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 20:10, More)