» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Outside a pub in Drayton
I was saying goodbye to a female friend (I'm a bloke), and was, and still am, very into extremely long black floaty coats, knee high boots etc.
One of the local taxi companies had turned up to collect said lass, and was relatively unmarked for a taxi. It only had the registration plate above the bumper to prove any relation to its company and something very subtle painted on one side, no flashy lights with 'taxi' screaming out of them or anything.
So she leans into the car window to talk with the driver, realises that she owed me for the last round of drinks, pays the driver in advance and gives me the change, then goes to hop into the back of the car. We both look up and find ourselves looking straight at a police officer looking very interested in what we were doing. When he heard the driver of the car shout 'taxi mate' he drove off.
Didn't really sink in I could have been done for pimping till about two days later. Will teach unruly goths to hang outside pubs with young scantily clad ladies...
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 8:39, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Bear with me
A few years ago we had a landlady that had teeth that could have opened bottles, and a foetid smell that could make most people feel a bit ocd. In true mix and match style she had the stunning idea that to add to her particular 'bear in heat' whiff she would use 'eau de flowers' to cover it all. It meant a lovely smell of sweat, fags, unbrushed teeth collided with "I'm getting pissed off your aroma" industrial perfume.

Towards the end of our tennancy we discovered that she had weaved a web of lies to Stirling council that meant we were paying her council tax. At first we had been surprised that even with discounts and things for two students and then other half on the dole that the price each month was exorbitant.

The revenge was apt, if pathetic. We left a couple of cracked eggs in a tupper for a couple of months, just until they went lovely and green. When the last person moved out it was opened and the eggs were left out of sight in the loft and on top of the cupboards. When she gets (or got) out of jail I'm sure the flat was easily rentable...

There was talk of leaving a bodily reminder of our tennancy, but I'd moved away to foreign parts and don't know whether anyone had the guts (or platic gloves) to carry it all out. Hope so.
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 23:32, More)

» Claims to Fame

Stuff
And the bloke that invented the automated cash machines went to school with my mum.. He ended up having a moleste nervous breakdown after selling the patent for something ridiculous like £500 as he thought it would never catch on.

We went to See "A" play at the Wedgewood Rooms in Portsmouth in about 1997 and when outside one of the girls we were with spent a half hour talking to them about - "The great band we'd just seeen inside" not realising it was them she was speaking to. When they told her it was they, she asked if she could write to the Sun and say that one of them had got her pregnant and they said only if she went halves on the money... They then offered the rest of us to come in the tour van and we randomly stood around basking in fame by proxy...

My hairdresser knew various members of Skeletal Family

/ Edit - Also was near home (Portsmouth) and seeing some tramp gave him 20p for a cup of tea, he laughed but looked rather pissed off. Turned out to be Mick Hucknall who apparently was in Gosport at the time (it was during very long dreads time)
(Wed 2nd Mar 2005, 22:05, More)

» Local Nutters

Coule of other Gems
Girlfriend just reminded me that in North of Spainwhere we lived ther was a man who used to make animal noises as he walked round the town, he also had a crdboard box with SONY written on the side that he used to film people with. He's been slowly adding to it and covering it with gaffer tape, so now it looks Like a huge blue ball of tape.

There's also the other lady who is about 70 years old and randomly lifts up her skirt, if she likes you it's the front and if she doesn't it's the back. She also has the habit of stopping in the middle of the street, squatting down and peeing all over the floor, so you have to be quite careful where you tread when she's in front of you.

There's also mr Groove Armada who dances in circles and runs after joggers trying to get them to joiun in.
(Sat 18th Sep 2004, 12:23, More)

» Local Nutters

Some thinhgs jst shouldn't happen
There's a family that we used to live near in Hull. they were actually a mate's next door neighbours and were people that won't ever be forgotten.

The first night our friend was in his new house we went over for the flatwarming. As we got near his house we were met by a load of screaming kids kicking the shit out of each other and then colouring in bits of the pavement with chalk, as we came up to his house we 'met' his neighbours. They were naked and rutting in a bed in their front room with what can only be described as oozing flesh wobbling all over the place. They had no curtains on the windows and the lights were all on full. Just as we were capable of moving again, the bloke pulls out wanders over to the chair next to the window, scratches his balls and sits down to read the paper. The image of 'loveliness' he'd left in bed had me traumatised for weeks. I kept thinking Jabba the Hut and a gurning competition winner's not so secret love child.

As we approach the door, we are met by their son in what looked like skintight leather dungarees with permed hair no shoes and no shirt on, noisily slobbering over a pizza.

From then on that particular friend always came to our place...

And who ever said deliverance wasn't a documentary?
(Sat 18th Sep 2004, 12:03, More)