b3ta.com user Mr_Jums
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I love this site but I'm afraid I don't do any photo editing or anything like that. But having read so much good stuff here, I'm gonna make some contributions on the written sections. Here I come!

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Best answers to questions:

» Crappy Prizes

WOO! FIRST POST!
Do I get a prize for this?

[Mod Edit: Your prize is being demoted to somewhere random. It really gets to us sometimes, people doing that. Why, why, why do people have to celebrate being the first one to post their inane anecdote about a hilariously unfunny event that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I mean why. I makes me want to cry sometimes. It's worse than that. Sometimes I want to kill myself. Or kill someone else. Or, worse, kill a kitten. Fudge off, all of you]

[Edit: Ok ok guys, but all I was doing was reserving my place. Do you want to hear my crappy prize story? Well, this one time, at band camp, there was a tombola...]

[Mod Edit: Congratulations, you have won further demotion down the question board. We are fed up of hearing stories of you winning a crusty pair of socks that you yourself donated (fnarr, observe irony!) to some crazy hillbilly tombola. I suppose we asked for it with this QOTW.]

[Edit: what about the time I won a bottle of whisky when I was 8?]

[Mod Edit: Jesus H. Christ.

*Under breath, to aide* Send the killer kittens

*Aide* Umm, Sir, just because you put something in superscript cabbages, they can still read it. Furthermore, we are all out of killer kittens, having dispatched them all either to sabotage production of 'Cats and Dogs 2' or to savagely sever the slithery sinews of the other tombola bores.

*King Mod II* Well, call me a Rectum Raider and send me to Soho. Does this mean not only that the subject realises our intentions and weaknesses, but also that every other tombola poster will be up all night with his shotgun, thereby compromising the safety of the killer kittens??

*Aide* Yes, your evangelical holiness

*King Mod II, no longer under breath* My fellow B3tans, a great danger is facing our messageboard, attacking our citizens with underhand methods and weapons of mass distraction. We are facing such atrocities as length innuendo, leetspeak and, worst of all, Mod Impersonation. There is only one Mod. Believe and trust in Mod, and worship not the false Mods. In this time of great danger, we will not submit. We will not give in to these monsters. We shall instead excessively curb the civil liberties of our own citizens and invade other messageboards that few of you have heard of, from which we believe these terrible acts to have originated. A killer kitten (TM) will be sent to each of your houses and chaperone you at all times. Anyone who fails to adhere to the regulations stipulated in the FAQs will meet with a swift, cuddly and ferocious death. Fear not, for this is all in the name of Freedom (R)

*Subliminal messaging* Click 'I like this'

*Aide* Sir, they can see that.

*King Mod II* Fanny-flaps! Now they know that we are the true enemy, it is in fact us who use underhand methods to get our way? Do they know we rigged the votes at the last Mod election?

*Aide* They do now sir...

*King Mod II* Well, they all misunderestimated me! I now have a monopoly on the board's posts! Now I will take over the board!]

[Edit: Persons represented in this parody of the Bush Administration are fictional and any resemblence between these characters and any people or George W Bush are entirely intentional.]



*Then, suddenly from out of nowhere Mr Jums, a 17 year old civilian from North London, was shot from space with a death ray. BBC News failed to disclose any information whatsoever, in fact the only news channel which did was Fox News, which claimed that the Death Ray was an act of God as Mr Jums had recently extracted the Michael from the Administration. His fatal error, as the Metropolitan Police discovered 5 years later, was in writing the disclaimer, as up until that point the Administration hadn't noticed his misalignment. However, his use of the word 'Bush' attracted the attention of the Hunter-Seeker Algorithm (not because it is the name of our Leader, but because it is synonymous with Cunt, and all sexual references have been banned to preserve the Freedom (R) of our children). The Administration wishes at this juncture to inform all civilians that failure to comply with its wishes in clicking the 'I like this' button will automatically constitute membership of the Axis of Evil (C) and result in a death ray being launched from which not even your killer kitten can protect you.*

I live in the 51st State (Britain) and all they gave me was this lousy president. Allah akbar! *Spontaneous arrest by security squad*
(Sat 6th Aug 2005, 23:17, More)

» Heckles

Party Conference...
So there I was, delivering a vital speech on how important it is that each of our Proles be given a number and biometric I.D., and how essential it was to spread the Word among less civilised peoples, when some old git stood up at the back and shouted 'nonsense.' Luckily, he was wrestled out before he could do any serious damage.

I don't give a shit that he's been a member of the Party longer than I've been alive, I'm the boss now, so he can fuck off.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 20:58, More)

» Shame

The pain...
Regress one year. I'm about 8 years old, and still mastering the techniques or urinating at a urinal.

I didn't miss the urinal. Oh no; every drop went in. Impressive, considering that I was late for lessons.

However, the tardiness of my lesson attendance led to retardedness of subsequent action. I pulled up my lovely tight fly without putting Jimmy away properly, and got my forskin stuck. Yay.

Back when I was that age, most of the teachers were female. I went to the form teacher, who insisted on having a look before declaring that there was nothing she could do. So we went to another female teacher, who found some magic lubricating cream or something, which she proceeded to rub into the tip of my very painful boyhood. All fairness, she got it out with a minimum of pain.

The most shame, however, came when I had to go to the nurse, who insisted that it was school policy that parents be told of such occurrences. So, home I toddled, clutching a note for my dear mother reading something like:

MEDICAL INCIDENT FORM

PUPIL: SAM X

INCIDENT: PENIS CAUGHT IN FLY

I've never been the same since.
(Thu 24th Nov 2005, 20:29, More)

» Shame

Once my mates caught me shagging an 11 year old kid...
But it's ok. Goats reach sexual maturity before 11.
(Mon 28th Nov 2005, 11:07, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Bringing back all the pain, again...
This is an ironically shameless pea-roast from the 'shame' question.


I'm about 8 years old, and still mastering the techniques or urinating at a urinal.

I didn't miss the urinal. Oh no; every drop went in. Impressive, considering that I was late for lessons.

However, the tardiness of my lesson attendance led to retardedness of subsequent action. I pulled up my lovely tight fly without putting Jimmy away properly, and got my forskin stuck. Yay.

Back when I was that age, most of the teachers were female. I went to the form teacher, who insisted on having a look before declaring that there was nothing she could do. So we went to another female teacher, who found some magic lubricating cream or something, which she proceeded to rub into the tip of my very painful boyhood. All fairness, she got it out with a minimum of pain.

The most shame, however, came when I had to go to the nurse, who insisted that it was school policy that parents be told of such occurrences. So, home I toddled, clutching a note for my dear mother reading something like:

MEDICAL INCIDENT FORM

PUPIL: SAM X

INCIDENT: PENIS CAUGHT IN FLY

I've never been the same since.


You can make me better by clicking 'I like this' and contributing to this post's appearance on not one but two 'best' pages!
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 0:47, More)
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